#22-THINGS I LEARNED THE HARD WAY

(REMINDER: the giveaway ends on February 28th at midnight - see #117 on 2/1 for details)


For those of you recently following, this is a reprint of an earlier post (with some graphic modifications)


Originally I started out hoping I could of think of ten STUPID things I have done during my lifetime.  Unfortunately, these twenty are just the tip of the iceberg!

  1.   Don’t step up on a tall step (especially when you have to pee). 

  2.   Check out which way the staples come out of a staple gun before

        you use it (or you can staple your work glove to your palm = See #38, What a Maroon!). 

Woops. wrong hand!

  3.   Don’t carry a ladder through a room with a ceiling fan (at least not upright).

  4.   Don’t try to fry eggs on your daughter's glass stove top (she has a mean left hook).

  5.   Speaking of eggs.  Don’t boil eggs in the microwave, either (Ka-pow!).

  6.   Don’t touch the drill bit right after you use it (unless you like pain).

This house was cut
in half by a maniac
wielding a circular saw

  7.   Circular saws can cut through sawhorses (and lots of other GOOD stuff).

  8.   Lawnmowers can throw a rock against a tree so hard that the rock can ricochet off

        (and hit you in the head). 

  9.   But, even more important, lawnmower blades can chop up grass shears 

        (and shoot them out the side as lethal projectiles - just ask my cat).

10.  A tarantula bite feels like a bee sting (and visa versa).

11.  Metal canoes can be bent in half (try not to be in them when they do).

12.  Don’t make a swimsuit out of terry cloth (think about it).

13.  It's the gasoline vapors that ignite (in a big flash) not the liquid gass.
14.  Eyebrows can be burned off by ignited gasoline vapor (also eyelashes and the paper you are holding in your hand).

15.  You can’t paper train a male dog, (unless you also hang a paper on the wall).

16.  And while I am on the subject of pets, no matter how hard you try you can't get a cat to

       blow its nose (but trying to do so can teach them how to blow their cool).

17.  Copper bottom pans can melt off onto the burner (if you get them hot enough).

18.  Also, skillets are no good after they catch on fire (at least they stick like crazy).

19.  Paper plates don’t fare well in the dishwasher (they kind of clog up the works...don't ask).

20.  Don’t stand on the front porch and watch electricity, from lightening, travel up the wet sidewalk toward you (unless you want an electrifying experience).

Yes!  I have first hand experience with EVERY one.


Since spring is on the horizon and,  many projects are being planned, I am SURE there will be a part 2 coming soon. 
ALSO, THERE IS A STORY ABOUT THE TATTOO ON SATURDAY (#142) AND BEING MUGGED IS  COMMING UP ON MONDAY (#144)

kt 2010

#27 - "LITTLE TURTLE"

My granddaughter Kallie  (pronounced Kay-Lee, who is now 21) was the most adorable little kid you would ever want to know.  She was funny and loving and oh so very cute.  Her giggle would make anyone laugh, and her eyes always sparkled with joy.

One time, when she was about 8 or 9, she spent the night and I didn’t have an extra bed for her.   So, I folded out an aluminum cot.  It was going to be a cold night and I wanted to be sure that she was warm enough so I extricated a sleeping bag from my camping gear.

When asleep, Kallie would spin like a top.  That is why she wasn’t about to sleep with me.  I learned the hard way that a foot and the back of a hand thrown wildly over my face was a definite hazzard.  However, since she was such a wild one when asleep, I decided I needed to bungee chord the sleeping bag to the cot.  She was short so I just tied one at the foot and then put one over the top part that was underneath her and zipped the puppy up.

In the middle of the night, nature called.  I walked into the adjoining room where Kallie was sleeping and almost made the nature call right then and there.  A small night light was illuminating the following scene:  Little Kallie was laying face down on the floor. Her delicate hands hands were laced sweetly under her chin.  She had the Aluminum cot strapped to her back and was SOUND ASLEEP! 

I grabbed for my camera…..but RATS, no film!  So, I stood there (with my knees together) and laughed while I watched her sleeping peacefully.   After attending to my business, I picked her (and the bed) up, righting them both at the same time.  Before, I went back to bed I undid the chords so as not to repeat the incident.

The next morning I told her about her sleeping arrangement and we both laughed.  I told her that I was now going to call her my LITTLE TURTLE.


kt2010

#26 HOW I ACQUIRED THE NICK NAME "BETTY BOOP"

When we (my children and I) lived in Culver City California I worked as a clerk in the Municipal Court.  My job, at the time of this story, was to collect the fines for traffic ticket.  It was the 70s and mini skirts/dresses were the rage.  The only problem was that slips were nonexistent because of the shortness of the outfits (soon you will see why this bit if information is important). 

The day I acquired my nickname I was wearing the SHARPEST olive green mini dress money could buy.  It had a large (PLUNGING) white collar, white cuffs and about eight ROUND white buttons (from PLUNG to hem).  I knew I looked Gooooood!

I was standing at the traffic counter finishing up the last person’s ticket.  The counter topped-off at about four inches above my belly button.  It was just the right height to rest my arms on the top of the counter; and do the required work.  In fact we had a very buxom (and shorter) lady who worked there.  She made a habit of throwing back her shoulders and parking her BUXOM on the counter (but that is another story).  Back to MY story.

It is also important to know that there were drawers just below the counter top.  Several of them with flat (another key word) drawer pulls.

A HANDSOME (30-something) gentleman stepped to the counter and I curtly (and with economy of motion) stepped sideways to the left to meet him.  At that very moment my dress caught on one of the knobs, and the side stepping maneuver caused every buttonhole to slip over the beautiful ROUND buttons.  There I was, laid open like a delicately filleted fish.

The man saw this FINE looking woman (ME) standing in front of him in my bra and pantyhose with my dress hanging open.  He also saw that I had a pair of olive green panties on over the hose (lest I inadvertently bent over to pick up a dropped object).   In addition to that he saw that I had CRUDELY draped (and pinned) a small, olive green scarf over and around a portion of my bra (so the plunging neckline would not plunge me into trouble with the judge)

Quickly, I turned around, buttoned my dress, turned back around and said, “May I help you, sir?”

He was standing there with a crooked smile on his face and replied,” You already did!”

TRUE STORY!  (Honestly!)

kt 2010

#26-HOW I ACQUIRED THE NAME BETTY BOOP

When we (my children and I) lived in Culver City, California I worked as a clerk in the Municipal Court.  My job, at the time of this story, was to collect the fines for traffic ticket.  It was the 70s and mini skirts/dresses were the rage.  The only problem was that slips were nonexistent because of the shortness of the outfits (soon you will see why this bit if information is important). 

The day I acquired my nickname I was wearing the SHARPEST olive green mini dress money could buy.  It had a large (PLUNGING) white collar, white cuffs and about eight ROUND (key word) white buttons (from PLUNG to hem).  I knew I looked Gooooood!

I was standing at the traffic counter finishing up the last person’s ticket.  The counter topped-off at about six inches above my belly button.  It was just the right height to rest my arms on the top of the counter; and do the required work.  In fact, we had a very buxom (and shorter) lady who worked there.  She made a habit of throwing back her shoulders and parking her BUXOM on the counter (but that is another story).  Back to MY story.

It is also important to know that there were drawers just below the counter top.  Several of them, with flat (another key word) drawer pulls.

A HANDSOME (30-something) gentleman stepped to the counter and I curtly (and with economy of motion) stepped sideways to the left to meet him.  At that very moment my dress caught on one of the knobs, and the side stepping maneuver caused every buttonhole to slip over the beautiful ROUND white buttons.  There I was, laid open like a delicately filleted fish.

The man saw this FINE looking woman (ME) standing in front of him in my bra and pantyhose with my dress hanging open.  He also saw that I had a pair of olive green panties on over the hose (lest I inadvertently bent over to pick up a dropped object).   In addition to that he saw that I had CRUDELY draped (and pinned) a small, olive green scarf over and around a portion of my bra (so the plunging neckline would not plunge me into trouble with the judge)

Quickly, I turned around, buttoned my dress, turned back around and said, “May I help you, sir?”

He was standing there with a crooked smile on his face and replied,"Honey, you already did!”  I can't begin to describe the reactions this produced by the rest of the office personnel who had just witnessed the unbelievable event.

TRUE STORY!  (Honestly!)  kt 2010

P.S.

This is me in a little pink number (December 1973)
It was taken in the courthouse break room when I thought I was alone (obviously I wasn't).
I found the picture on the bulletin board with the following inscription on the back,
"To the greatest fanny in the world."  
There were also several hilarious notes pinned around the picture (and even phone numbers).

The undies had a blue and white checkered design with pink flowers the color of my dress.  And, look, Mom would be proud...I had my knees together!

kt 3/2011

#25-REGULAR DOSES

We all know that old adage, “Laughter is the best medicine.”  Well, I want to congratulate Sarah Pailin for providing us all with a REGULAR prescription. 

With all her experience in this area she will  probably claim she is also an expert in medicine.


(I'm not really politically inclined or or all that knowledgeable in this area, however I must comment on this person.)

kt 2010

#24 PUSSY CAT PERILS

(My Cat will be featured in several of my blogs so I may as well introduce you to her).

 I have a Cat named “Kit.”  No, not “Kit-Kat", but just KIT.  The name works for her.  I found her under my truck one day when I was visiting my son and his family.  This small tortoise shell kitten was apparently waiting there for me to find her and take her home.  We were a match from day one.

She is a smart cat and learned how to let herself in and out of my back door.  When she first comes in she yowels at me and tells me about her day, outside.  Occasionally, she brings me trophies.  One time she brought in a half eaten bird.  Yes, I have talked to her about that. She put the darned thing in her food dish.  That was just plain gross!  But, at least she knew where it went.

Several times she brought live birds into the house.  I should be happy because she apparently listened to my lecture about not killing birds.  However, the release of a flying creatures in the house causes a big hullabaloo.  It is usually a race to see who can catch the bird first.  So far I am winning! (5 to 1)  She also released one small bunny rabbit which took US thirty minutes to catch.  I released him (the bunny) outside, and even though winded (both of us, actually) he streaked away.

Kit has been subjected to being on the edge of the fall-out from my many projects.  She has been spray painted, chased by a run away sander, struck by falling debris, startled by wayward ladders, and forgotten on top of my roof (NOT MY FAULT, she followed me up there).  Yet she still comes home.  However, she now watches my projects from a vast distance (like I said, she is very smart cat).  She is like a best friend.


I have a best friend like that.  Her name is Carol.  Although I have never spray painted her or stranded her on my roof top, I know she will always be there for me, no matter what.

See blog # 13 for the sander episode. (She will also be featured in future blogs, I’m sure).


kt 2010

#24-PUSSY CAT PERILS

I have a Cat named “Kit.”  No, not “Kit-Kat", but just KIT.  The name works for her.  I found her under my truck one day when I was visiting my son and his family.  This small tortoise shell kitten was apparently waiting there for me to find her and take her home.  We were a match from day one.

She is a smart cat and learned how to let herself in and out of my back door.  When she first comes in she yowels at me and tells me about her day outside.  Occasionally, she brings me trophies.  One time she brought in a half eaten bird.  Yes, I have talked to her about that. She put the darned thing in her food dish.  That was just plain gross!  But, at least she knew where it went.

Several times she brought live birds into the house.  I should be happy because she apparently listened to my lecture about not killing birds.  However, the release of a flying creatures in the house causes a big hullabaloo.  It is usually a race to see who can catch the bird first.  So far I am winning! (5 to 1)  She also released one small bunny rabbit which took US thirty minutes to catch.  I released him (the bunny) outside, and even though winded (both of us, actually) he streaked away.

Kit has been subjected to being on the edge of the fall-out from my many projects.  She has been spray painted, chased by a run away sander, struck by falling debris, startled by wayward ladders, and was forgotten on top of my roof (NOT MY FAULT, she followed me up there).  Yet she still comes home.  However, she now watches my projects from a vast distance (like I said, she is very smart cat).  She is like a best friend.

I have a best friend like that.  Her name is Carol.  Although I have never spray painted her or stranded her on my roof top, I know she will always be there for me, no matter what.

See blog # 13 for the sander episode. (She will also be featured in future blogs, I’m sure).
kt 2010


PS.
Since this was posted one more peril has been added to Kit's life, and it goes by the name of TOBY!

Look at THAT fool in the background.
He's tried to climb this tree three times.
This is ME ignoring HIM!

Guess what happened to the ladder I was standing on to take this picture.  Yep, one leg went into a mole hole and dumped me on the ground.  Kit looked on (and I think she was smiling) and Toby smothered me with doggy kisses.

kt  3/2011

#23 "A STICKY SITUATION"

     I just completed another home project.  I am glad to say that it went smoothly (and my cat was unharmed).  This time I had to cut, trim and fit a back splash above and beside the sink in my bathroom.  There is always the potential for mishaps since I was using sharp tools.  But nothing was pierced, slashed, or severed.

     Working with quick drying adhesive was daunting but everything went off without a hitch UNTIL I STEPPED INTO A 
                                                     GLOB OF GLUE!

     Since I was wearing sox (and no shoes) I didn’t notice my impending dilemma.   I stood there for a few minutes holding up a panel with each arm, until the adhesive set (key word).   It didn’t take long.  When I started to move my foot I noticed a slight (ok, big) problem.  My left foot was glued into place.

     The adhesive had leached through my sock and glued my sock and (more importantly) my left foot to the floor. 

     I hadn’t put newspapers down because the floor was bare, since I removed the linoleum to put down new floor covering (ahhh, another project in my future).  Hence, I wasn’t going  anywhere, soon.

     The phone was setting on the tank of the toilet and I could have called 911, but I could imagine their response:

          Dispatch:          “Dispatch to EMT 1”

              EMT 1:          “Hey, Flo, whatcha got?”
          Dispatch:          “It’s Ms. T, again!”

              EMT 1:          “What'd she do this time?”

          Dispatch:         “Glued her foot to the floor!”

             EMT 1:                  (a chorus of laughter)

         Dispatch:          “Otis, your mike is open.”

             EMT 1:          “Sorry, (chuckle) we’ll get right over there (chuckle)”.

      No, way was I calling 911!     

     I took some contortions to reach the finger polish remover in the cupboard over the toilet, and a whole bottle of remover to extricate the sock from the floor (and my foot).  Now there’s nice clean shiny place on the ball of my foot.  I guess I sucked all the poison out of it like that stuff advertised on TV.  Maybe I should do the whole foot (or both feet).  Better yet, maybe I should market it.

kt 2010

#23-A STICKY SITUATION

 I just completed another home project.  I am glad to say that it went smoothly (and, this time, my cat was unharmed).  On this project I had to cut, trim and fit a back splash above and beside the sink in my bathroom.  There is always the potential for mishaps since I was using sharp tools.  But nothing was pierced, slashed, or severed.

     Working with quick drying adhesive was daunting but everything went off without a hitch UNTIL I STEPPED INTO A GLOB OF GLUE that had dropped from my carelessly placed adhesive gun.

     Since I was wearing sox (and no shoes) I didn’t notice my impending dilemma.   I stood there for a few minutes holding up a panel with each arm, until the adhesive set (key word).   It didn’t take long.  When I started to move my foot I noticed a slight (ok, big) problem.  My left foot was glued into place.

     The adhesive had leached through my sock and glued my sock and (more importantly) my left foot to the floor. 

     I hadn’t put newspapers down because the floor was bare, since I removed the linoleum to put down new floor covering (ahhh, another project in my future).  Hence, I wasn’t going  anywhere, soon.

     My cell phone was setting on the tank of the toilet and I could have called 911, but I could imagine their response:

           Dispatch:          “Dispatch to EMT 1”

              EMT 1:          “Hey, Flo, whatcha got?”

          Dispatch:          “It’s Ms. T, again!”

              EMT 1:          “What'd she do this time?”

          Dispatch:         “Glued her foot to the floor!”

             EMT 1:                  (a chorus of laughter)

         Dispatch:          “Otis, your mike is still open.”

             EMT 1:          “Sorry, (chuckle) we’ll get right over there (chuckle)”.

      No, way was I calling 911!     

     It took some contortions to reach the finger polish remover in the cupboard over the toilet, (fortunately I have practiced contortions in my bathroom before see #47) and a whole bottle of remover to extricate the sock from the floor (and my foot).  Now there’s nice clean shiny place on the ball of my foot.  I guess I sucked all the poison out of it like that stuff advertised on TV.  Maybe I should do the whole foot (or both feet).  Better yet, maybe I should market it.

kt 2010 

#22 THINGS I HAVE LEARNED (THE HARD WAY )

Originally I started out hoping I could of think of ten STUPID things I have done during my lifetime.  Unfortunately, these twenty are just the tip of the iceberg!

  1.   Don’t step up on a tall step when you have to pee. 

  2.   Check out which way the staples come out of a staple gun before

        you use it (or you can staple your work glove to your palm = 

        future blog).

  3.   Don’t carry a ladder through a room with a ceiling fan (at least not upright).

  4.   Don’t try to fry eggs on your glass stove top.

  5.   Speaking of eggs.  Don’t boil eggs in the microwave, either.

  6.   Don’t touch the drill bit right after you use it (unless you like pain).

  7.   Circular saws can cut through sawhorses (and lots of other GOOD stuff). 

  8.   Lawnmowers can throw a rock against a tree so hard that the rock can ricochet off

        (and hit you in the head). 

  9.   But, even more important, lawnmower blades can chop up grass shears 

        (and shoot them out the side as lethal projectiles - just ask my cat).

10.  A tarantula bite feels like a bee sting (and visa versa).

11.  Metal canoes can be bent in half (try not to be in them when they do).

12.  Don’t make a swimsuit out of terry cloth (think about it).

13.  Gasoline vapor ignites, (in a big flash) not the liquid gas.

14.  Eyebrows can be burned off by ignited gasoline vapor.

15.  You can’t paper train a male dog, (unless you, also, hang a paper on the wall).

16.  And while I am on the subject of pets, no matter how hard you try you can't get a cat to
       blow its nose.
17.  Copper bottom pans can melt off onto the burner (if you get them hot enough).

18.  Also, skillets are no good after they catch on fire (at least they stick like crazy).

19.  Paper plates don’t fare well in the dishwasher (they kind of clog up the works).

20.  Don’t stand on the front porch and watch electricity, from lightening, travel up 

        the wet sidewalk toward you (unless you want an electrifying experience).

Yes!  I have first hand experience with EVERY one.

kt 2010

#21-CUTE KID'S PROUD MOMENT (repost)

My son, Gene, was a cute little kid that shared EVERYTHING.  He is in his 40’s now, but when he was in his 2s he had to have major surgery (because of a inguinal hernia).  As you would expect this was a HUGH deal to him as it was to all of us.  The operation went fine and Gene recovered nicely.  However, it did direct his attention to the incision area between his legs. 

One day we were in the local department store in downtown Indio, California.  His incision was completely healed but his interest wasn’t.

An older lady approached us down the main isle.  She saw my son (who seemed to always draw the attention of older women).  She immediately smiled at him.  She bent down to his level and started talking to him. 

My, son, a very friendly open and sunny kid, smiled back at the lady and said, “Ewe wan-a see my op-ra-tion?”

Before I could react, the older lady said, “Yes.”  Then my son immediately yanked his pants to the floor and proudly thrust his pelvis forward. He, also, had the presence of mind to adjust his small package to the side so the lady could have a clear view.

The poor woman instantly turned scarlet, her hand flew to her chest, and she got up so fast that I thought she would feint.  She quickly bustled away (never looking back once).

My unfazed son pulled up his pants and we went on our way.  I may be warped but I got the giggles, which shortly thereafter, broke out in unrestrained laughter (particularly when I remembered the look of pride on his face as he shared his op-ra-tion).

kt 2010

#21 CUTE KID'S PROUD MOMENT

Cute Kid

My son, Gene, was a cute little kid that shared EVERYTHING.  He is in his 40’s now, but when he was in his 2s he had to have major surgery (because of a inguinal hernia).  As you would expect this was a HUGH deal to him as it was to all of us.  The operation went fine and Gene recovered nicely.  However, it did direct his attention to the incision area between his legs. 

One day we were in the local department store in downtown Indio, California.  His incision was completely healed but his interest wasn’t.

An older lady approached us down the main isle.  She saw my son (who seemed to always draw the attention of older women).  She immediately smiled at him.  She bent down to his level and started
talking to him. 

My, son, a very friendly open and sunny kid, smiled back at the lady and said, “Ewe wan-a see my op-ra-tion?”

Before I could react, the older lady said, “Yes.”  Then my son immediately yanked his pants to the floor and proudly thrust his pelvis forward. He, also, had the presence of mind to adjust his small package to the side so the lady could have a clear view.

The poor woman instantly turned scarlet, her hand flew to her chest, and she got up so fast that I thought she would feint.  She quickly bustled away (never looking back once).

My unfazed son pulled up his pants and we went on our way.  I may be warped but I got the giggles, which shortly thereafter, broke out in unrestrained laughter (particularly when I rememberd the look of pride on his face as he shared his op-ra-tion).

kt 2010