I'VE LOST IT AGAIN!

Have I told you abut the lady who lost her cell phone in her bedroom?  Well, it seams that she looses her cell phone frequently and a while back she purchased a throw away just for the purpose of locating her lost phone.

She quickly retrieved the "finder" phone and called her regular phone (which was on speed dial).  Positioning herself in the central hall of the house she was poised to spent in the direction of a ringing phone.  And there it was, coming from the direction of her bedroom. Off she went at break neck speed because her phone would only ring four times before going to voice mail (a problem she tried to get remedied several times). Plopping herself down on her bed in the middle of her room she dialed again and waited for her phone to ring.

There it was again, the, now muted sound of her phone ringing.  She jumped up and the sound got louder so she ripped off the bedding in a frantic search for the wayward phone.  As she was tossing the bed she realized that the ringing sound was coming from behind her.  By the time she whirled around the ringing stopped. So she then looked in drawers, under the bed and so on and so on. She called her darned phone over 5 times. Every time it sounded as if it was close and right behind her. 

Finally, she gave up and as she put her hands on her ample hips she exclaimed, "Ok, God, where is it?" At just that moment her right fist felt a bulge at her right hip. "Oh!" she exclaimed as she realized she had clipped her phone to the back part of her pants.  

True story and, OH, BY THE WAY THE LADY WAS ME! 

As Buggs Bunny would say, "What a Maroon." (no not Moron...Maroon).   

#248 THE OLYMPIC CONTENER

#248  THE OLYMPIC CONTENDER


This winter was a long, cold, icy one in southern Missouri.  One Saturday morning I looked out and saw this.  I turned round and went back inside to change my shoes to something with a little more grab on the soles.

You really can't see that this was a solid sheet
of ice clear all the way across and all the way down.

Well, they might have worked had I not been facing an ice ramp. 

I cautiously stepped out onto the porch and negotiated the first part of the challenge with only a few boggles.  However, the down slope was another matter.  I was over confident and stepped bravely out onto the Matterhorn like ride.  My right foot immediately took off without me (or my left foot) and soon was 12 inches up in the air with my rear end heading for sudden contact with the icy slide.  Trust me, this was not near as much fun as the flume that my granddaughter and I rode on last summer.  Or the Matterhorn I rode at Disneyland.  This thing was cold, and it was hard.  There were some similarities.  I went very fast and my rear-end was sopping wet when I reached the departure point and ended the ride.  However, there was not one single smiling person to help me off (or up, that is).

It was necessary to get back into the house to change clothes before the church bus picked me up lest I cause a lot of speculation as to why I had wet drawers (at my age I know some of the assumptions that would be made).  I considered my options, either go back up the slide to the landing or breach the barrier that was built to keep me from falling off the porch (again....another story).   Basically I had no options as I was NOT going to approach the toboggan run again. The only thing left to do was to climb over the railing of the porch (top pic, left side) so I could safely reenter the house.  However, the porch floor is a 22 inches off the ground and the railing is another 29 inches up from that.  Now, I pride myself on being in good shape for a 73 year old.  However, I was already smarting from the bounce and slide down the causeway.  Slowly I made it up onto the floor and was swinging my leg over the railing when my wet drawers ripped.  About the same time my neighbor came out her side door and yelled, "What on earth are you doing?"  Red faced I reply, "Just stretching my legs." as I disappeared over the rail and into my house.

I returned to the mountain dressed in dry clothes. I composed myself and struck an Olympian pose as stood at the peak of my second attempt of the day.  As I was rallying the imaginary crowd watching my Olympic debut, the bus pulled up.  I turned to face the rail, gingerly stepped on to the "ice flume" bent over the railing,  placed my forearms on that railing and zipped down the ramp sideways.   The bus driver and riders were cracking up when I stepped onto the bus.  "What?" I said, "Haven't you ever seen an Olympic event?" and sat down.

kt 5/29/14

#247 IT COULD ONLY HAPPEN TO ME!

A week or so ago, I probably had one of my weirdest days ever.  It all started the night before when I forgot to set my alarm.

I had a lot of things to do, and when I finally woke up at 9:30 I panicked ...... I had a doctor's appointment at 10!  I had already cancelled and rescheduled once, so I simply had to make it on time.  I rushed out the door in a dead run still pulling on clothes........only to realize that my car was still in the garage.  I returned to the house, chased my dog Oscar into the main part of the house so I could get into the garage without accidentally letting him out.

However, I hadn't shut the back room door tightly; he came bounding out and sprinted for freedom.  Toby (my other dog) was right behind him and the two took off in different directions. That kind of set the tone for the rest of the day.  Refusing to be ruffled I went about chasing the dogs (without shoes).

Twenty minutes later I had finally corralled Toby in the house, but I couldn't find Oscar.  I left the garage door up far enough for Oscar to come back in in case he came home.   I ran through the house (while skuffing my shoes on), flew out the front door, jumped in the car, and froze.  MY KEYS WERE NOT IN MY POCKET.  I diligently searched my purse, the inside of the car and around the front door.  Nope, they were in the house.  Unfortunately, so was the garage door opener.  Now, I want you to be impressed at this point that I did not blow my stack but kept on task.

Sorry, Lord, sometimes
my mouth speaks before
my brain engages.

I ran around to the back door of the garage only to find that the door was locked.  I went back to the car to call the doctor only to find that my cell phone was gone, too.  At this point did the only thing I could do was to lay down on the cement driveway, suck in my gut, butt and boobs (now that was hard) and squeeze under the garage door.  I then charged through the door to the back room and as I opened the door to the kitchen Toby met me and scampered out to freedom AGAIN.  I slammed that door and tore through the house locating my keys, cell phone and garage door opener.  Scooping them up I ran out the door and convinced Toby that he was going for a ride.  As soon as he jumped into the car I grabbed him and wrestled him up to the front door.  Slamming the door (a little too hard) I spun around on the porch and tripped over Oscar.... who took off again.  If I had had a gun I would have shot him right then.   He took off so fast that he was out of sight by the time I apologized to God for my language.

I, dusted myself off, said "Oh, Well," and drove to the doctor's office which was only 10 minutes away.
No one was upset when I arrived 15 minutes late, so all was OK (except for the fact Oscar was probably peeing on every tree in a 1 mile radius).

I called the animal control officer and informed her about Oscar's excape.  She knows me and Oscar's proclivity for running; she promised me she would keep an eye out for him.  When I finally got home Oscar had been gone for over 2 hours.  No calls, no sightings....nothing.  Actually, I was praying that someone would call and say, "Hey, I found your dog, can I keep him?"  Finally, about a half hour before I had to meet the church bus for Wednesday night bible study a kid called.  Hey, Old Lady SWAG, I think I have your dog."

                SIDEBAR: A lot of kids in town call me that and it is a long 

 story which I may tell you some time, but not now.  

I got the boy's location and took off to pick up my wayward dog.  15 minutes and $5.00 (yes, I'm cheep but, I did think of giving him a $50 to keep Oscar).   I sped home,  shoved Oscar in his back room and took off to meet the church bus in front of the t the local drug store.

By the time I got to church I was so tired that I think I dozed through some of the lesson.  Finally,
I got the kids back onto the bus and headed out to drop them off.  Everything appeared to be going OK, that is until I found out that I did not have my purse I HAD LEFT IT AT CHURCH!  OK, after dropping off the kids the bus driver headed back to the church.  I found my purse where I had left it and hitched a ride back to town with a friend.

I am sure that this is what
I must have looked like!

Now, here comes the key phrase: She took me directly home and I collapsed in my recliner until about 10pm.  I sat there for a while to unwind.  Except for the time in the doctor's waiting room, I hadn't stopped running all day.  We were supposed to get a storm that night so I had to put the dogs back in the main part of the house while I went through the den to the garage to pull in my car.  I pushed the button and the door slowly went up.  I stood there in my garage starring at an completely empty driveway.  I exclaimed out loud to myself, "Someone has stolen my car!"

Ever so slowly, my brain processed what my eyes could not believe.  Then like someone plugged me into an electric socket, I was jolted into the realization that my car was still parked where I USUALLY PARK IT.............over 3 miles away!

I am sure he was smiling!

I ran in the house, grabbed my purse and took off for my neighbor's house. Now are you ready for this....as I was standing at her front door I felt a dog's nose on my leg.  There stood Oscar!  When I turned around he bolted and the fun began AGAIN.





Apparently the garage door snagged on something and did not go all the way down and the dogs were out again.  I ran to the house yelling Toby...cookie....cookie.....cookie, and he ran after me and into the house.  Oscar was another matter. I said," I've had it with him," and took off with my neighbor  to get my car.  When we returned we heard her dogs were going off in her back yard.  By that time I was going off too!                  

                                     

TOBY

OSCAR

      My two miscreants!

OK, DOES ANYONE WANT A DOG?  

YOU CAN HAVE BOTH OR CHOICE.

I'LL... PAY... YOU!

kt5/17/14

#246 WHAT COULD I SAY?

A few years back I took 2 of my grandchildren to Oceans of Fun and Worlds of Fun (an exhausting double header).   On the Worlds of Fun side there were all kinds of unbelievable rides.  One was a donut shaped object onto which people were attached.  This human cargo contraption was fitted with a hugh spire that ran through the donut hole.  The human cargo was hauled up to the top of the spire (which was so high it hurt my neck to look to the top) and then released.  Kallie (about 13 then) and GW (about 7 then) stood in line.  Kallie excitedly waited her turn on the death defying ride while GW waited, quietly.  They both watched  the spectacle as others dropped toward the ground like a lead brick .  Before they reached the point of no return GW turned around and sat with me on a small wall away from the line.  I enquired, "Honey, aren't you going with your sister? "He gave me an incredulous look and said, "Look at that thing!  Do I look stupid to you?" 

The newer model being ridden at the park today.

#245 DID YOU SEE THAT CRAZY OLD LADY?

I finally got some of the bulbs planted that I was supposed to put in ages ago.  If they don't flower this year I will always have them next year.  However, HERE IS WHAT I WANT YOU TO PICTURE:

Weather in the upper 80s.

This 73 year old pudgy lady with white hair, busy in her front yard finishing up planting bulbs around her tree and sweating my ### off.

I love digging in the dirt!

Add to that muddy white baggy shorts and a muddy red sleeveless shirt (with my fatty dorsal biceps flapping in the wind).





Now picture one of those sprinkler that go chk...chk...chk...chk back and forth (come on, say it, this story cries out for sound effects).  And, see in your minds eye the finale which is me setting up this type of sprinkler.

  

This was the best clip art I could find.
Kinda resembles me.

Next, incorporate into this picture this sweaty, mud clad, chunky senior citizen trying to jump over the spray as it comes swacking around (you see it was going all the way around not back and forth).  Try a I might, I could not manage to accomplish (1) stopping the thing from circling around or (2) jumping over the spray as it came my way.

When I started drawing a crowd I decided to put another type of sprinkler head on the hose and slip (literally) into my house.

The man next door.

The kid across the street.

Even my dogs were laughing!

kt5/5/14

#244 WEBMASTER BRUTALLY KILLED!

Sunday, April 27, 2014 

an unknown webmaster was beaten to death

in front of 25 people at a local church!

STATEMENT OF THE PERPETRATOR:
"I arrived early to my Sunday school class to settle myself at the head of the center table in my Sunday school class.  To, me this is the best seat in the room because I an see and talk to almost everyone.  I put my purse on the floor, laid my folded up umbrella on the table; and started talking to friends as they arrived. Everyone filed in and soon we were ready to start. Suddenly, a quarter sized spider marched across the table toward me a bold as you please. Apparently, I wasn't feeling very merciful because before I could think, I picked up my umbrella and slammed it down on the table and dispatched the spider without a blink. Unfortunately, the other people in the room weren't prepared for the loud THWACK. This elicited a few shrieks, a lot of laughter, and several choice humorous comments. But, at least I can say that no one was bitten by a spider!"

"Why I reacted in such a decisive, violent manner is unbeknown to me.  When at home I usually pick them up with a cloth or Kleenex and throw them out the front door.  But, on this particular Sunday I guess I wasn't in a particularly benevolent mood.  To be honest I didn't have a tissue and the door was a long way down the hall, but I don't remember considering either of those options.  So, I am sickened with the memory of VIOLENTLY slamming down my umbrella pulverizing the creature."  

(POSSIBLE) STATEMENT OF THE VICTIM ( had it not been smashed beyond recognition):
"I was sleeping quietly in my usual place when suddenly my home rose up in the air and swiftly moved to the cold outdoors.  It was so cold that I had to hunker down in my nest and hang on for dear life.  It seemed as though I was traveling as fast as the wind.  Finally, my home stopped moving rapidly and began to move at a more lower rate, and into a warmer place.  I could sense that I had been moved to a place that was filled with those large noisy creatures that I usually avoid. This immediately put me on full alert.  I wanted to be back in the dark room in that quiet place where I have been since I was born.  But now, I could feel the tiny hairs on my back standing up.  When my home stopped moving and fell with a bump on a hard surface I crawled to the edge of my hideaway/home and peeked out.  Horrors upon horrors I saw a wide open, bright place with many large creatures making such a racket that the sound almost hurt.  I knew immediately that I must escape the din so I rushed from the opening onto a flat white surface toward a single benign looking critter.  In fact, this was the critter I saw dump my mother outside quite a while ago.  Feeling better about my predicament,  I took a deep breath and headed in it's direction.  I was sure that I made the right decision when It picked up an obstacle to clear my path.  That is the last I remember."

PERPRETATOR' STATEMENT OF REMORSE: 
"I actually feel a little bit guilty about ending the spider's life.  After all, it was just doing what spiders do; it was probably confused by it's new surroundings.  So, I said a little prayer for the spider and asked God to forgive me for my brief moment of violence against such a fine, beautiful creature as this little ole house spider.  Because you see, I believe that ALL life is precious and has a purpose. For some reason,  I had just unreasonably decided that the spider had no purpose in my church classroom.  I know now I should have put it out the door."
kt/2014

#243 STUFF THE STUFF

                                            WHERE DID I STUFF THAT STUFF?

A while back my oldest granddaughter, her two kids, and her critters moved in with me for a few months.   I had to move two whole rooms (and two closets) of stuff out.  Each one of these places had things neatly filed (ok cluttered) with MY STUFF (lots of stuff).  Most of the STUFF was not the daily necessity type of STUFF but an every so often type of STUFF.  I find that even a year or so later that I can't find some STUFF.  I have no idea where I STUFFED some of that STUFF!

kt

#242 I'M BACK

I have decided to try and reenter the blogging world.  Since August 11, 2012 was the last time I posted I am anxious over resuming my blog.  However, yesterday I wrote the comment below on my Face Book page.  This prompted me to go to my blog and find my post about ants (so I could direct my friends to this article).  I was surprised to see that people were still reading my blog.

"Ok, hear's the deal......I printed off the instructions to the ant bait that was posed a while back.  I didn'tread it at all until yesterday.   When I got to the end I let out a small groan because the main idea is that the powdered sugar mixed in with the baking soda causes the aunt to ingest some soda when scarfing up the sugar.  

This, in turn, causes..... the..... ant....... to..... POP! 

Now, I know they are JUST ants, but, ever since I saw that kids movie ANTZ I think of them differently. Call me crazy, but, I can't bring myself use this stuff.....I mean....KABOOM!  For some reason, in my mind's eye, I see this little explosion with legs, mandibles & antennae flying every which direction. 

SO HERE IS A LINK TO A PIECE I WROTE FOR MY BLOG A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO. It will let you know that I am probably a little crazy!"

http://outofmymindbykt.blogspot.com/2011/01/92-friday-flashbacks-ive-got-ants.html

#241 THAT'S ALL FOLKS

Try as I might, I don't seem to be able to come up with any more original stories.  I have 16 ideas (with notes) in my draft file but I just can't commit to any of them.   Most of the stories that have published since the death of my father in October of last year, were written beforehand and waiting out their turn in my scheduled file.  Each time I go in to my draft file I find I actually don't want to write.  I guess when someone has been a part of your life for 70 years it changes your life when they leave.  It has been about 10 months now.  Shouldn't I be back to normal by now?

It pains me to come to the conclusion that the very activity that got me through a few tough years being sequestered in my home caring for my father, is now over.  I keep telling myself that it is just an aberration and soon I will be able to write again.  Well, I can still write, but the humor does not come any more.  If I can't laugh as I write, then all of the fun has been drained away from the act of writing, which was why I wrote.

I think one of the worst parts is that I no longer want to read other blogs.  I carefully chose blogs that made me laugh or at least break into a big smile.  This is an important part about being a blogger.  It builds the friendship that feeds the blogger.  But, I don't even want to do that anymore.  In fact, I don't want to do much of anything.

Self analyzing is probably a fool's mission, however, I believe that my problem lies in the fact that I have always  been a caretaker.  Always made my life be about some one else (husband, children, students, aunts, mother, father).  I don't think that was a conscious choice, but something I was more than willing to do.

Perhaps, I have lost my identity and need to re-invent myself.  But, at 71, I don't really know how to do that.  And, it's not just this blog.  I can't really see to relate to the world outside these doors.  I have forced myself into several activities, but the key word , of course is F O R C E D (and one last time:  Yes, I'm shouting).  

Until I figure this out I am (again) forced to quit blogging.  I say forced because my last scheduled blog posted last Monday and I can't seem to come up with anything for this coming Monday.  So, good bye for now, dear friends.  I love you all.

GO AHEAD, PLAY IT AS IT SEEMS AN APT ENDING.  kt 8/11/12

(just wanted you to know I took a deep breath and paused before actually hitting "Publish.")

#240 - TURTLE TALE

When my daughter, Patty, was about 2 1/2 or 3 we had a 10 gallon fish tank.  In that tank were several beautiful fan tailed guppies.  They were small, delicate and easy to raise with two children around.


Everything was fine, that is until we got out turtle.  He was the cutest little paddle foot about 1/2 inch in diameter.  Patty name him "Flumpy" because his shell was bumpy all over the top (bumpy).  When we first introduced him to the tank he would chase the guppies.  After a while we found out why he chased them...HE WANTED A BITE OF THEIR TAIL (and probably had designs on the entire guppy).  He was a very well fed turtle but, apparently he desired the real thing.   

This is not the kind of turtle he was, but he looked
something like this.

It didn't take me long to decide that he wasn't going to eat those expensive guppies.  The whole idea of watching that part of nature take place in our den grossed me out.   However, Patty hastened his departure when, one day, I heard a scream coming from the den.  Patty, (who had been told MANY times to keep her fingers out of the fish tank) didn't listen (What? didn't listen!).  When I rounded the corner I found her there standing by the aquarium screaming bloody murder (and incidentally there was a small, determined turtle dangling from her pointy finger).  


He had quite a grip and it took a toothpick to pry him off her finger.  I found a home for Flumpy that very day (No, it was not down the toilet!).


kt 6/2012

239 - AN ACCOMPLISHED THIEF

He started his life of crime as a young boy.
You can see the look of regret in his eyes.

My dog, Toby, is a thief.  The minute I let him in the house he takes off like a shot to see what he can find before I catch up with him.

That's the wrapped sport and napkin in his mouth!

One particular day, I went to KFC to get some chicken. Toby went with me, as usual, as I am trying to get his acclimated to riding in the car.  Like most dogs he loves to hang his head out the window (in this part of the country we call dogs that do that hedge or tree trimmers).  Anyway, the back windows were down so he could do his thing.

Toby was hanging out the back (driver's side) window, sniffing the delightful smell coming from KFCThe kid handed me the sack with the meal inside, however he forgot to give the napkin wrapped spork.  He said, "Oh, sorry, here's your spork," and with that he handed it out the window.  In a blink of an eye, Toby reached out and grabbed the darned thing right out of the kid's hand.  The kid cracked up and then yelled over his shoulder, "Hey guys, come see this dog.  He just stole this lady's spork!"  Everyone clustered around the window as they watched Toby prance around the back seat with his prize.  I declined a new spork and drove off laughing to myself.  Toby kept his prize until I got home and cornered him in the back seat.

The thing is, I always go around and do what Walmart calls (over the intercom) ZONE RECOVERY before I let Toby in.  Checking everywhere for things that can be grabbed forces me to be a neater housekeeper, but I must be lousy because he ALWAYS finds something.  My reading glasses are his number one target.  Next are pens and my hairbrush.

Spoons are also a favorite.

He first charges into the kitchen and quickly checks the floors, counters, and table.  Heaven help me if I left one of the chairs pulled out at the table because he will hop up onto the chair and grab something (anything) and then he takes off.  He thinks it is a game (eyes bright with tail and butt wagging), no matter how punitive I get, this is a game he continues to want to play.

Finally, he has started to respond to a YELLED (with a threatening voice) D R O P   I T !  He will hang his head and then slowly walk toward me, then drop the pilfered item.  However, sometimes, just before he gets to me, his head will pop up, his eyes will get THAT look of devilishness, his hind quarters will start to wag and off he goes for a loop or two around the front room, behind and up onto every chair.   He will then zip right past me and make a tour of the rest of the house.  I have taken to shutting the doors to every room that has a door.

                                   

                                   But he will glom onto anything he can grab.
                            Here he is with a duster.

"Awh, Mannnn, do I have to give this bottle back?"

The reason I do not have many pictures of Toby is because he is in constant motion.  My camera's shutter doesn't move fast enough to capture anything but a blur.

Here is a snatch and run that was taken when
I was sanding the floor of my bathroom.  Yes, that is
sandpaper he took off with.

Toby is super smart and has learned a lot of tricks.  When asked to bring his Moo-Cow he selects the correct one from the pile and brings it to me (he also does this with Duck, Blanket, Bone and Froggie).
He sits, lays down, gets up and speaks on command.  He shakes hands and bows when asked.  However, the commands "Stay" and "Leave It," are known to him and followed ONLY WHEN HE WANTS TO!

I teven taught him to shut doors.  Now, he shuts every door that is open.  I thought that was really cool.  However, that thought went right out of my mind one night, as I heard the LOCKED front door slam behind me when I went out to turn off the water.  I seriously think he knew what he was doing and was secretly celebrating with a winners lap around inside the house.  In addition to this, he has shut himself in the bathroom, twice.


kt 4/12

COMING ATTRACTIONS:

#240 - 

#238 - GOOD AIM, GIRL

Mom came home with a white Toy Poodle somewhere in the late 50s.  Her name was Coquette and she was both smart and spoiled.  She usually slept with me and her favorite position was draped over the top of my head like a horseshoe, of sorts.  This didn't bother me until one morning I woke up laying on my side  staring at her... ...well, you know!


Mom trained Coquette to do her "business" on a newspaper on the back porch.  This was quite efficient and the dog always used her paper.  Anyway,  one day we were returning from a trip to the mountains around L.A.   Coquette loved to ride in the back window of the car which is where she had perched herself on our trip back.  Suddenly, the car swerved and Dad started cracking up.  He had just checked his rear view mirror and saw poor Coquette trying to hit a small 3 x 5 piece of paper that happened to be laying there.  To our amazement she hit her mark and parked her "poo" dead center.  Of course we had to roll down our windows, pull over, and deposit the droppings on the side of the road (but not before we got to watch several cars pass us filled with people laughing their heads off).

I really liked the idea of paper training so, many years later when I got a dog for the kids I paper trained him (key word).  His name was Jasper (an adorable Beagle) and he took to paper training at an early age.  I was real pleased with myself as I never had to get up to put him outside.  He just did his business on newspapers on the service porch. However, months later I was in the kitchen and I looked up to see him hike his leg and pee on the wall.  To be honest about it he did pee on the paper, as it did run down the wall and onto the paper.  I couldn't believe that I was so stupid.  It took me a while to convenience him to abandon his back porch training and due his "business" outside.


kt 3/22/12

#237 - GAS ALMOST GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK

Written on 5/13/12:


I have been in Connecticut for a week taking care of my grandkids while my daughter and son-in-law have fun in the sun in COSTA RICA!  Pat's company awarded him (and his wife BUT NOT HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW) a trip for being #1 in sales.  They got an all expenses paid trip to a luxuriously appointed retreat and I got an all expenses paid trip top CT.  Not complaining just saying'


The week has gone smoothly and I have enjoyed getting to the number 1 person for my grandchildren to to go when help is needed.  They are in all kinds of activities and I don't see how my daughter gets it all straight.  She is sooooooo organized and had it all printed out for me with names and addresses plus anything else I might need (plus cash to blow...yeah!).  My first act as grandmother was to go out to dinner and a movie (on a school night).  While the parents were ensconced in a hotel last Sunday night ready for an early Monday morning departure, the kids and I went out on the town.


We ate at Friendly's and if you don't have one where you live then you have missed a great place to take kids to eat.  The desert is to die for!  After dinner we went to see THE AVENGERS!  I didn't think I would like it but I did.  Guess I am still a kid at heart because I thought it was funny and exciting dispute the ridiculous premiss.


But, it is the ridiculous thing that happened to me several days later that really cracked me up.  I had to run back to the theater to pick up the hoodie that my grandson left in his seat (no surprise there...the only surprise is that I hadn't left something also).  On the way home I noticed I was almost out of gas so I stopped in the Shell station is the town just before my daughter's place.


Let me digress a moment to tell you about her neck of the woods.  One can not drive from point A to point B without traversing ever direction of a compass, negotiating hairpin turns, climbing steep hills, or
zipping down into valleys.  It is a nightmare during the night and an interesting drive during the day (avoiding turkeys, geese, and other cars on a narrow two lane road).  Needless to say the roads around here are not conducive to gas efficiency.  So on with the story... ... ...

This is what her car looks like (well except for the fact that
hers is much older and definitely not sooooo shiny).

I was in desperate need of gas however the button with which I needed to pop the gas tank lid was no where to be found.  The attendant came out of the office and tried to help.  He couldn't find it either so he called his boss away from a car he was servicing and they both poured over the inside of the car.


As for myself, I was visualizing the kids getting off the school bus without my smiling face to greet them and protect them the one half block from the corner to their home.  I was envisioning not being able to get Shay off to soccer practice or Logan to his baseball game.  I was envisioning just how much it was going to cost me to rent a car or how much it was going to cost if I had them pry the panel open... ... ...and on and on and on.


In a bit of a snit over my dilemma and potential negative outcomes I walked back to where the gas tank was hidden by the offending door and smacked it.  Then pop...the darned thing just sprang open.  I mean, my daughter's car is a fairly new Cadillac and who would have thought that it didn't one of those little openers.


I felt like such a fool, but I was in good company with two supposedly knowledgeable guys also fooled.


kt 5/2012

COMING ATTRACTIONS:

#238 - GOOD AIM, GIRL

#239 - AN ACCOMPLISHED THIEF

#236 - TRUE LOVE

They're cute,
(but you should smell their 'poo!')

At one time Pot Bellied Pigs were tremendously popular, but I never expected to get to know one up close and personal.


This story took place one sunny, spring, morning in the year 2000.  I was on my way to work (I was a teacher) with my friend Carol when we spotted a small pig trotting down the center of the road, in town!   We couldn't believe our eyes and, since we both were animal lovers, I pulled past the pig and stopped.  Amazingly enough, she came directly to me snorting and squealing.  Not knowing what else to do I popped the hatch and lifted her into the back of my small car.  She screamed holy murder when I picked her up but quickly settled down into squeaks and grunts as I headed on to school.


Now, my students knew to expect the unexpected from me, however, when I showed them the pig in the back of my car the news spread throughout the school like wild fire.  The principal told me to get rid of her fast.  I knew if I turned her over to the animal control officer the owner would have to pay a whopping fine.  So, one of my students volunteered his back yard as a temporary holding pen.  


I rushed to his address, parked out back, and hefted this fat pork chop out of the car and through the back gate.  When I began to leave she ran at me and started biting my ankles.  So, much for thanking me from keeping her from being pork pate'. (I probably spelled that wrong)


Doing a galloping goose step I managed to flee the yard, jump into my car, and race back to school in a few short minutes.   The day settled into a normal routine except for the thousands of questions I was fielding from teachers and students alike.  I put a FOUND PIG add in newspaper and hoped for a call in a day or two, but in the meantime worried about putting her back into my car for the long trip home after school.


Have you ever seen a greased pig contest.  Well, I found out that they are hard to get hold of even if they aren't greased.  My friend stood at the gate cracking up as I chased this little ankle biter all over my student's back yard.  Finally, I tossed a blanket over her and tackled the darned thing.  I am sure that the squealing could be heard for blocks, but I got her into the car and headed home (60 minutes away).


Once home I constructed a make shift pig pen, called around for advice about feeding and congratulated myself for being such a nice person.  Three days later, I received a phone call from a relieved lady who was almost in tears over finding "ARIEL."  She drove over to my house that day and the reunion was monumental.


Ariel started squealing the minute her owner drove up.  I opened the makeshift pen and the little pig ran like a jack rabbit, straight for her owner.  Now, the lady started squealing also and yelling,  "Ariel, Ariel, sweet, Ariel."  The woman had her arms stretched out, and they both rushed toward each other (you know, like two star crossed lovers meeting up in a field).  Any way, the lady dropped to her knees just as she got to Ariel and the darned pig rushed into her arms like a long lost child.  The grunting and cooing (from both sides) was unbelievable.


Apparently, Ariel was a bit of an escape artist and the animal control officer had threatened to remove the pig from her owners care.  So, Ariel was whisked off to a farm a short distance from where the owner lived and we all lived happily ever after.
kt 4/22/12

COMING ATTRACTIONS:

#237 - GAS ALMOST GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK

#238 - GOOD AIM, GIRL

#239 - AN ACCOMPLISHED THIEF

#235 - DEER ME!

I live in a small town surrounded by farmland.  No matter where I drive I an always passing through miles and miles of country.  It is wonderful and I will always be thankful for the every day beauty this area has to offer.  It is nothing to see cows, pigs, chickens, ducks, turkeys, goats, owls, geese, turtles, snakes and hawks almost on a daily basis.  However, when one is driving at dawn or dusk there is one animal you don't want to see and that is a deer.


Over the years I have hit 5 deer.  Two, just damaged my car, two destroyed two different vehicles (one was an F-150 Ford Truck) and one sent me airborne for the ride of my my life.  It is this story that I am going to relate.


A friend and I were on the way home after seeing a particularly awful movie in Joplin.  We were driving down the highway discussing the dreadful flick when we saw some activity on the right side of the road.  Several men were standing there talking (in an animated manner) by their trucks on the right side of the road.  Not a single one of them waived, pointed, or signaled us of any danger but, I pulled over into the left lane just to be sure.  Since their presence on the side of the road was unusual I was looking at them and did not notice lump laying in the middle of the left lane.  By the time I spotted the carcass of the HUGE dead dear, it was too late.  My tires ramped up the belly of the deer and the car was launched up and over the mound much like an Evil Kinevel stunt. It seemed as though the car was in the air for a very long time, at least long enough for me to contemplate what kind of a landing might be ahead of me.

With my hands firmly on the wheel (still steering of course) of this small, red, Ford, Escort I felt as though I soared up into the sky.  My friend was screaming something and I think I uttered, "Oooooohhhhhh, sh##!" then landed on the two front wheels followed by the two rear wheels.  I felt like Cathy Rigby sticking her dismount and receiving a perfect 10.


The car wobbled a bit, but stuck to the road as an eerie silence settled over the car.  We drove on quietly for a while and then began to get mad.  We realized that those STUPID men were probably arguing over who was going to get to take the meat home.  None of them thought to warn any oncoming vehicles.  I felt like going back and giving them a piece of my mind and charging them $50 dollars for the customized tenderizing I had just performed.  However, I knew that since my hands were trembling like crazy that my knees were doing the same.  Falling flat on my face in front of them wasn't an attractive idea so, we went on home.


kt 3/15/12

COMING ATTRACTIONS:

#236 True Love

#237 - GAS ALMOST GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK

#238 - GOOD AIM, GIRL

#239 - AN ACCOMPLISHED THIEF