#218-CHICKEN AND TATERS

WELL, FINALLY, I HAVE SOMETHING TO WRITE ABOUT!

I have been putting gall-bladder surgery off for about a year because I was busy taking care of Dad.  Then I took a few months off after his passing to visit my daughter in Connecticut.   When I got home in late January I finally was able to find a surgeon and schedule the darned thing.

The doctor was not very encouraging about being able to do laposcopic surgery because of a previous surgery I had in 1995.  He thought there may be too many lesions in that area since I had my spleen removed and extensive repair to my liver (after a car accident).   Not only that, much to my regret, I found out that the darned thing only weighs a few ounces which means that there will be no major weight loss once it is removed (BUMMER).

I asked him if he could strip out some of the fat that had accumulated in that area, while he was in there.  This caused him to laugh as he explained why he couldn't.  I think he thought I was serious (some people don't get my kind of humor). 

So, Friday, February 17th at 4:30 PM I went into surgery and the long and short of it is that I was home by 8:30 p.m. sitting in front of the TV with a bucket of KFC in my lap, ready for my weekly date with Tom Sellick (in Blue Bloods). (And, of course Toby and Kit were at my feet hoping  I was still loopy enough from the anesthesia to drop something).   The only problem being that Blue Bloods WAS A REPEAT!  WELL DARN!  So, I ate a thigh, leg, wing, 6 potato (tater) wedges and a biscuit to console myself; then went to bed early.  (What's going on with this font is all screwed up... oh! yeah, I forgot C.R.A.P... computer related attacks by poltergeists) .

This is the least gross image I could find.
You should see real one with all the gall stones inside....Yuck.

I wasn't having any pain what so ever so, I crawled into bed only to be awakened EVERY TWO HOURS to pee (volumes) ALL NIGHT LONG!  Good thing I wasn't in any pain because I did a couple of "Whoopie Goldberg spritzes" and had to change my pajama bottoms twice! (sorry if this is too much information?)

By 7 AM Saturday I had already spread up my bed, fed the dog and changed into a pair of sweats. Now what am I going to do? It is Saturday morning and there is nothing on TV. I am not supposed to do anything but sit, lay, nap, or walk around. So, after 5 trips through the house I decided this wasn't going to fill up my day. I really didn't want to read because I read almost an entire book while WAITING in a holding pattern around the surgery landing pad.

So, here WAS my plan...
Sit around and read, lay around and nap, walk around the house 5 times every once in a while, watch Sponge Bob, and EAT!  Then this afternoon, after the fun filled morning outlined above, I am going to go to Walmart, walk around, pick up a movie, and something to EAT (I hope this isn't the beginning of a feeding frenzy on my part) !

Looks as if I have a fun filled week end in store for me......(that is if I don't wet my pants at Walmart.  Oh, well, it's Walmart, nobody will even notice).  Maybe I'll buy some depends!.

During one of my trips (woooahhhhhh, I guess those C.R.A.P. guys really missed me as all of a sudden the font has changed - Honest, I'm NOT doing this....it just happens) anyway, during one of my trips through the house I noticed a piece of paper on my table that read "Outpatient Post Procedure Instructions."  Now, one would think that I would have read this last night.  Noooooo!  I was too looped from the anesthesia!  However, this morning I noticed that one of the very first instructions was about eating only light foods to begin with.  Woops....too late...Oh well!  Since I didn't "TOSS" the fried chicken right away I guess I'm good to go.   (I'm planning on having BUTTERED popcorn tonight!).

Oh..Oh...Fly in the ointment.....while I was composing this post, my nose started running and I began sneezing and coughing.  Yep, Murphy's Law has come into play.  I guess that ole devil is miffed that he couldn't mess with my surgery and decided to see if he could pop my stitches.  Every sneeze and cough triggered a grab response that had me creeping about the house like Quasiomoto (I don't care if I spelled that wrong I'm on  a roll here) holding my abdomen and scrounging for a remedy.  Finally, I found some 'way out of date' decongestant in the ice box, (I did pause, briefly,  to remember my bout with food poisoning -  then I considered the worse case scenario of having to go to the hospital for additional surgery if I didn't find relief -vs- the possibility that I MIGHT have to go the the hospital for an antidote if the decongestant had gone bad).  I said a brief prayer and chugged an ounce or two of the elixir!

What came upon me by that evening had nothing to do with the above decision.  As a matter of fact my cold symptoms had abated but it was the chicken I ate Friday night that bedded down in my bowels and started building a nest.  Not a pleasant feeling....So, I went back to the doctor's instructions and there it as right after the part about eating only light foods..."IT IS COMMON, FOLLOWING SURGERY, FOR PATIENTS TO BE CONSTIPATED." Well, S#*! (or rather lack there of).
You know that saying, "Man makes plans, and God laughs."  I get it now!  I guess that means no popcorn for me!

I will spare you the details of the next two days.  Let's just say that that darned chicken even built a chicken coop in my bowels, invited friends over and had a rowdy party.  Might have been a nightmare but apparently Ron White was at the party because I kept hearing my stomach growl, "The 'TATER' did it!  (If you haven't seen blue-collar comedy you won't get this.)  Anyway, the rowdy party kept me miserable 2 days and awake 2 nights.  Now, if you are counting, I am on my 3rd night without sleep, plus add 3 days without food.  I haven't kicked the dog yet or flung the cat by her tail but, I sure felt kicking or throwing something.

Ok, for your sake, I will be as vague as possible on this next part.  Suffice it to say, after taking the suggested remedy for cleaning out the chicken coop I found myself experiencing the opposite effect which, again, kept me up for 2 more nights making my own nest on 'THE THRONE'.  So, now I am up to 5 nights without sleep and 5 days with little or no food.  Both Toby and the Kit are hiding.

It is now 11:30 PM, Thursday the 23rd, almost one week after my surgery.  I am feeling better and hopefully, tomorrow, I will return to quasi(moto)-normal and be able to eat a sensible meal.  Hopefully, I will be able to sleep a full night (in bed, NOT on my nest).  I can't wait to see if I lost any weight through all of this!  (I may avoid KFC for a while).

(Quick P. S.  I weighed myself Friday...I ONLY LOST 3#...what's up with that?)

PREVIEWS OF MONDAYS TO COME:

#219-"MOM, NOW WHO'S THE STUPID ONE?"  #220-SO, I MADE A LITTLE PIT STOP! #221-PETS LEAVE THE STRANGEST GIFTS #222-THE PARTY PLANNER kt 2/27/12