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Thursday, May 29, 2014

#248 THE OLYMPIC CONTENER





#248  THE OLYMPIC CONTENDER


This winter was a long, cold, icy one in southern Missouri.  One Saturday morning I looked out and saw this.  I turned round and went back inside to change my shoes to something with a little more grab on the soles.








You really can't see that this was a solid sheet
of ice clear all the way across and all the way down.

Well, they might have worked had I not been facing an ice ramp. 

I cautiously stepped out onto the porch and negotiated the first part of the challenge with only a few boggles.  However, the down slope was another matter.  I was over confident and stepped bravely out onto the Matterhorn like ride.  My right foot immediately took off without me (or my left foot) and soon was 12 inches up in the air with my rear end heading for sudden contact with the icy slide.  Trust me, this was not near as much fun as the flume that my granddaughter and I rode on last summer.  Or the Matterhorn I rode at Disneyland.  This thing was cold, and it was hard.  There were some similarities.  I went very fast and my rear-end was sopping wet when I reached the departure point and ended the ride.  However, there was not one single smiling person to help me off (or up, that is).

It was necessary to get back into the house to change clothes before the church bus picked me up lest I cause a lot of speculation as to why I had wet drawers (at my age I know some of the assumptions that would be made).  I considered my options, either go back up the slide to the landing or breach the barrier that was built to keep me from falling off the porch (again....another story).   Basically I had no options as I was NOT going to approach the toboggan run again. The only thing left to do was to climb over the railing of the porch (top pic, left side) so I could safely reenter the house.  However, the porch floor is a 22 inches off the ground and the railing is another 29 inches up from that.  Now, I pride myself on being in good shape for a 73 year old.  However, I was already smarting from the bounce and slide down the causeway.  Slowly I made it up onto the floor and was swinging my leg over the railing when my wet drawers ripped.  About the same time my neighbor came out her side door and yelled, "What on earth are you doing?"  Red faced I reply, "Just stretching my legs." as I disappeared over the rail and into my house.

I returned to the mountain dressed in dry clothes. I composed myself and struck an Olympian pose as stood at the peak of my second attempt of the day.  As I was rallying the imaginary crowd watching my Olympic debut, the bus pulled up.  I turned to face the rail, gingerly stepped on to the "ice flume" bent over the railing,  placed my forearms on that railing and zipped down the ramp sideways.   The bus driver and riders were cracking up when I stepped onto the bus.  "What?" I said, "Haven't you ever seen an Olympic event?" and sat down.

kt 5/29/14



Monday, May 19, 2014

#247 IT COULD ONLY HAPPEN TO ME!




A week or so ago, I probably had one of my weirdest days ever.  It all started the night before when I forgot to set my alarm.

I had a lot of things to do, and when I finally woke up at 9:30 I panicked ...... I had a doctor's appointment at 10!  I had already cancelled and rescheduled once, so I simply had to make it on time.  I rushed out the door in a dead run still pulling on clothes........only to realize that my car was still in the garage.  I returned to the house, chased my dog Oscar into the main part of the house so I could get into the garage without accidentally letting him out.

However, I hadn't shut the back room door tightly; he came bounding out and sprinted for freedom.  Toby (my other dog) was right behind him and the two took off in different directions. That kind of set the tone for the rest of the day.  Refusing to be ruffled I went about chasing the dogs (without shoes).
Twenty minutes later I had finally corralled Toby in the house, but I couldn't find Oscar.  I left the garage door up far enough for Oscar to come back in in case he came home.   I ran through the house (while skuffing my shoes on), flew out the front door, jumped in the car, and froze.  MY KEYS WERE NOT IN MY POCKET.  I diligently searched my purse, the inside of the car and around the front door.  Nope, they were in the house.  Unfortunately, so was the garage door opener.  Now, I want you to be impressed at this point that I did not blow my stack but kept on task.

Sorry, Lord, sometimes
my mouth speaks before
my brain engages.
I ran around to the back door of the garage only to find that the door was locked.  I went back to the car to call the doctor only to find that my cell phone was gone, too.  At this point did the only thing I could do was to lay down on the cement driveway, suck in my gut, butt and boobs (now that was hard) and squeeze under the garage door.  I then charged through the door to the back room and as I opened the door to the kitchen Toby met me and scampered out to freedom AGAIN.  I slammed that door and tore through the house locating my keys, cell phone and garage door opener.  Scooping them up I ran out the door and convinced Toby that he was going for a ride.  As soon as he jumped into the car I grabbed him and wrestled him up to the front door.  Slamming the door (a little too hard) I spun around on the porch and tripped over Oscar.... who took off again.  If I had had a gun I would have shot him right then.   He took off so fast that he was out of sight by the time I apologized to God for my language.

I, dusted myself off, said "Oh, Well," and drove to the doctor's office which was only 10 minutes away.
No one was upset when I arrived 15 minutes late, so all was OK (except for the fact Oscar was probably peeing on every tree in a 1 mile radius).

I called the animal control officer and informed her about Oscar's excape.  She knows me and Oscar's proclivity for running; she promised me she would keep an eye out for him.  When I finally got home Oscar had been gone for over 2 hours.  No calls, no sightings....nothing.  Actually, I was praying that someone would call and say, "Hey, I found your dog, can I keep him?"  Finally, about a half hour before I had to meet the church bus for Wednesday night bible study a kid called.  Hey, Old Lady SWAG, I think I have your dog."


                SIDEBAR: A lot of kids in town call me that and it is a long 
 story which I may tell you some time, but not now.  

I got the boy's location and took off to pick up my wayward dog.  15 minutes and $5.00 (yes, I'm cheep but, I did think of giving him a $50 to keep Oscar).   I sped home,  shoved Oscar in his back room and took off to meet the church bus in front of the t the local drug store.

By the time I got to church I was so tired that I think I dozed through some of the lesson.  Finally,
I got the kids back onto the bus and headed out to drop them off.  Everything appeared to be going OK, that is until I found out that I did not have my purse I HAD LEFT IT AT CHURCH!  OK, after dropping off the kids the bus driver headed back to the church.  I found my purse where I had left it and hitched a ride back to town with a friend.


I am sure that this is what
I must have looked like!
Now, here comes the key phrase: She took me directly home and I collapsed in my recliner until about 10pm.  I sat there for a while to unwind.  Except for the time in the doctor's waiting room, I hadn't stopped running all day.  We were supposed to get a storm that night so I had to put the dogs back in the main part of the house while I went through the den to the garage to pull in my car.  I pushed the button and the door slowly went up.  I stood there in my garage starring at an completely empty driveway.  I exclaimed out loud to myself, "Someone has stolen my car!"

Ever so slowly, my brain processed what my eyes could not believe.  Then like someone plugged me into an electric socket, I was jolted into the realization that my car was still parked where I USUALLY PARK IT.............over 3 miles away!

I am sure he was smiling!


I ran in the house, grabbed my purse and took off for my neighbor's house. Now are you ready for this....as I was standing at her front door I felt a dog's nose on my leg.  There stood Oscar!  When I turned around he bolted and the fun began AGAIN.





Apparently the garage door snagged on something and did not go all the way down and the dogs were out again.  I ran to the house yelling Toby...cookie....cookie.....cookie, and he ran after me and into the house.  Oscar was another matter. I said," I've had it with him," and took off with my neighbor  to get my car.  When we returned we heard her dogs were going off in her back yard.  By that time I was going off too!                  


                                     

TOBY
OSCAR



      My two miscreants!







OK, DOES ANYONE WANT A DOG?  
YOU CAN HAVE BOTH OR CHOICE.
I'LL... PAY... YOU!
kt5/17/14








Tuesday, May 6, 2014

#246 WHAT COULD I SAY?



A few years back I took 2 of my grandchildren to Oceans of Fun and Worlds of Fun (an exhausting double header).   On the Worlds of Fun side there were all kinds of unbelievable rides.  One was a donut shaped object onto which people were attached.  This human cargo contraption was fitted with a hugh spire that ran through the donut hole.  The human cargo was hauled up to the top of the spire (which was so high it hurt my neck to look to the top) and then released.  Kallie (about 13 then) and GW (about 7 then) stood in line.  Kallie excitedly waited her turn on the death defying ride while GW waited, quietly.  They both watched  the spectacle as others dropped toward the ground like a lead brick .  Before they reached the point of no return GW turned around and sat with me on a small wall away from the line.  I enquired, "Honey, aren't you going with your sister? "He gave me an incredulous look and said, "Look at that thing!  Do I look stupid to you?" 
The newer model being ridden at the park today.

Monday, May 5, 2014

#245 DID YOU SEE THAT CRAZY OLD LADY?

I finally got some of the bulbs planted that I was supposed to put in ages ago.  If they don't flower this year I will always have them next year.  However, HERE IS WHAT I WANT YOU TO PICTURE:

Weather in the upper 80s.



This 73 year old pudgy lady with white hair, busy in her front yard finishing up planting bulbs around her tree and sweating my ### off.






I love digging in the dirt!



Add to that muddy white baggy shorts and a muddy red sleeveless shirt (with my fatty dorsal biceps flapping in the wind).





Now picture one of those sprinkler that go chk...chk...chk...chk back and forth (come on, say it, this story cries out for sound effects).  And, see in your minds eye the finale which is me setting up this type of sprinkler.




  
This was the best clip art I could find.
Kinda resembles me.
Next, incorporate into this picture this sweaty, mud clad, chunky senior citizen trying to jump over the spray as it comes swacking around (you see it was going all the way around not back and forth).  Try a I might, I could not manage to accomplish (1) stopping the thing from circling around or (2) jumping over the spray as it came my way.







When I started drawing a crowd I decided to put another type of sprinkler head on the hose and slip (literally) into my house.



The man next door.
The kid across the street.

Even my dogs were laughing!
kt5/5/14




Tuesday, April 29, 2014

#244 WEBMASTER BRUTALLY KILLED!


Sunday, April 27, 2014 
an unknown webmaster was beaten to death
in front of 25 people at a local church!

STATEMENT OF THE PERPETRATOR:
"I arrived early to my Sunday school class to settle myself at the head of the center table in my Sunday school class.  To, me this is the best seat in the room because I an see and talk to almost everyone.  I put my purse on the floor, laid my folded up umbrella on the table; and started talking to friends as they arrived. Everyone filed in and soon we were ready to start. Suddenly, a quarter sized spider marched across the table toward me a bold as you please. Apparently, I wasn't feeling very merciful because before I could think, I picked up my umbrella and slammed it down on the table and dispatched the spider without a blink. Unfortunately, the other people in the room weren't prepared for the loud THWACK. This elicited a few shrieks, a lot of laughter, and several choice humorous comments. But, at least I can say that no one was bitten by a spider!"
"Why I reacted in such a decisive, violent manner is unbeknown to me.  When at home I usually pick them up with a cloth or Kleenex and throw them out the front door.  But, on this particular Sunday I guess I wasn't in a particularly benevolent mood.  To be honest I didn't have a tissue and the door was a long way down the hall, but I don't remember considering either of those options.  So, I am sickened with the memory of VIOLENTLY slamming down my umbrella pulverizing the creature."  

(POSSIBLE) STATEMENT OF THE VICTIM ( had it not been smashed beyond recognition):
"I was sleeping quietly in my usual place when suddenly my home rose up in the air and swiftly moved to the cold outdoors.  It was so cold that I had to hunker down in my nest and hang on for dear life.  It seemed as though I was traveling as fast as the wind.  Finally, my home stopped moving rapidly and began to move at a more lower rate, and into a warmer place.  I could sense that I had been moved to a place that was filled with those large noisy creatures that I usually avoid. This immediately put me on full alert.  I wanted to be back in the dark room in that quiet place where I have been since I was born.  But now, I could feel the tiny hairs on my back standing up.  When my home stopped moving and fell with a bump on a hard surface I crawled to the edge of my hideaway/home and peeked out.  Horrors upon horrors I saw a wide open, bright place with many large creatures making such a racket that the sound almost hurt.  I knew immediately that I must escape the din so I rushed from the opening onto a flat white surface toward a single benign looking critter.  In fact, this was the critter I saw dump my mother outside quite a while ago.  Feeling better about my predicament,  I took a deep breath and headed in it's direction.  I was sure that I made the right decision when It picked up an obstacle to clear my path.  That is the last I remember."

PERPRETATOR' STATEMENT OF REMORSE: 
"I actually feel a little bit guilty about ending the spider's life.  After all, it was just doing what spiders do; it was probably confused by it's new surroundings.  So, I said a little prayer for the spider and asked God to forgive me for my brief moment of violence against such a fine, beautiful creature as this little ole house spider.  Because you see, I believe that ALL life is precious and has a purpose. For some reason,  I had just unreasonably decided that the spider had no purpose in my church classroom.  I know now I should have put it out the door."
kt/2014

Friday, April 25, 2014

#243 STUFF THE STUFF

                                            WHERE DID I STUFF THAT STUFF?


A while back my oldest granddaughter, her two kids, and her critters moved in with me for a few months.   I had to move two whole rooms (and two closets) of stuff out.  Each one of these places had things neatly filed (ok cluttered) with MY STUFF (lots of stuff).  Most of the STUFF was not the daily necessity type of STUFF but an every so often type of STUFF.  I find that even a year or so later that I can't find some STUFF.  I have no idea where I STUFFED some of that STUFF!
kt

Monday, April 14, 2014

#242 I'M BACK

I have decided to try and reenter the blogging world.  Since August 11, 2012 was the last time I posted I am anxious over resuming my blog.  However, yesterday I wrote the comment below on my Face Book page.  This prompted me to go to my blog and find my post about ants (so I could direct my friends to this article).  I was surprised to see that people were still reading my blog.


"Ok, hear's the deal......I printed off the instructions to the ant bait that was posed a while back.  I didn'tread it at all until yesterday.   When I got to the end I let out a small groan because the main idea is that the powdered sugar mixed in with the baking soda causes the aunt to ingest some soda when scarfing up the sugar.  

This, in turn, causes..... the..... ant....... to..... POP! 

Now, I know they are JUST ants, but, ever since I saw that kids movie ANTZ I think of them differently. Call me crazy, but, I can't bring myself use this stuff.....I mean....KABOOM!  For some reason, in my mind's eye, I see this little explosion with legs, mandibles & antennae flying every which direction. 

SO HERE IS A LINK TO A PIECE I WROTE FOR MY BLOG A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO. It will let you know that I am probably a little crazy!"