Monday, May 19, 2014


A week or so ago, I probably had one of my weirdest days ever.  It all started the night before when I forgot to set my alarm.

I had a lot of things to do, and when I finally woke up at 9:30 I panicked ...... I had a doctor's appointment at 10!  I had already cancelled and rescheduled once, so I simply had to make it on time.  I rushed out the door in a dead run still pulling on clothes........only to realize that my car was still in the garage.  I returned to the house, chased my dog Oscar into the main part of the house so I could get into the garage without accidentally letting him out.

However, I hadn't shut the back room door tightly; he came bounding out and sprinted for freedom.  Toby (my other dog) was right behind him and the two took off in different directions. That kind of set the tone for the rest of the day.  Refusing to be ruffled I went about chasing the dogs (without shoes).
Twenty minutes later I had finally corralled Toby in the house, but I couldn't find Oscar.  I left the garage door up far enough for Oscar to come back in in case he came home.   I ran through the house (while skuffing my shoes on), flew out the front door, jumped in the car, and froze.  MY KEYS WERE NOT IN MY POCKET.  I diligently searched my purse, the inside of the car and around the front door.  Nope, they were in the house.  Unfortunately, so was the garage door opener.  Now, I want you to be impressed at this point that I did not blow my stack but kept on task.

Sorry, Lord, sometimes
my mouth speaks before
my brain engages.
I ran around to the back door of the garage only to find that the door was locked.  I went back to the car to call the doctor only to find that my cell phone was gone, too.  At this point did the only thing I could do was to lay down on the cement driveway, suck in my gut, butt and boobs (now that was hard) and squeeze under the garage door.  I then charged through the door to the back room and as I opened the door to the kitchen Toby met me and scampered out to freedom AGAIN.  I slammed that door and tore through the house locating my keys, cell phone and garage door opener.  Scooping them up I ran out the door and convinced Toby that he was going for a ride.  As soon as he jumped into the car I grabbed him and wrestled him up to the front door.  Slamming the door (a little too hard) I spun around on the porch and tripped over Oscar.... who took off again.  If I had had a gun I would have shot him right then.   He took off so fast that he was out of sight by the time I apologized to God for my language.

I, dusted myself off, said "Oh, Well," and drove to the doctor's office which was only 10 minutes away.
No one was upset when I arrived 15 minutes late, so all was OK (except for the fact Oscar was probably peeing on every tree in a 1 mile radius).

I called the animal control officer and informed her about Oscar's excape.  She knows me and Oscar's proclivity for running; she promised me she would keep an eye out for him.  When I finally got home Oscar had been gone for over 2 hours.  No calls, no sightings....nothing.  Actually, I was praying that someone would call and say, "Hey, I found your dog, can I keep him?"  Finally, about a half hour before I had to meet the church bus for Wednesday night bible study a kid called.  Hey, Old Lady SWAG, I think I have your dog."

                SIDEBAR: A lot of kids in town call me that and it is a long 
 story which I may tell you some time, but not now.  

I got the boy's location and took off to pick up my wayward dog.  15 minutes and $5.00 (yes, I'm cheep but, I did think of giving him a $50 to keep Oscar).   I sped home,  shoved Oscar in his back room and took off to meet the church bus in front of the t the local drug store.

By the time I got to church I was so tired that I think I dozed through some of the lesson.  Finally,
I got the kids back onto the bus and headed out to drop them off.  Everything appeared to be going OK, that is until I found out that I did not have my purse I HAD LEFT IT AT CHURCH!  OK, after dropping off the kids the bus driver headed back to the church.  I found my purse where I had left it and hitched a ride back to town with a friend.

I am sure that this is what
I must have looked like!
Now, here comes the key phrase: She took me directly home and I collapsed in my recliner until about 10pm.  I sat there for a while to unwind.  Except for the time in the doctor's waiting room, I hadn't stopped running all day.  We were supposed to get a storm that night so I had to put the dogs back in the main part of the house while I went through the den to the garage to pull in my car.  I pushed the button and the door slowly went up.  I stood there in my garage starring at an completely empty driveway.  I exclaimed out loud to myself, "Someone has stolen my car!"

Ever so slowly, my brain processed what my eyes could not believe.  Then like someone plugged me into an electric socket, I was jolted into the realization that my car was still parked where I USUALLY PARK IT.............over 3 miles away!

I am sure he was smiling!

I ran in the house, grabbed my purse and took off for my neighbor's house. Now are you ready for I was standing at her front door I felt a dog's nose on my leg.  There stood Oscar!  When I turned around he bolted and the fun began AGAIN.

Apparently the garage door snagged on something and did not go all the way down and the dogs were out again.  I ran to the house yelling Toby...cookie....cookie.....cookie, and he ran after me and into the house.  Oscar was another matter. I said," I've had it with him," and took off with my neighbor  to get my car.  When we returned we heard her dogs were going off in her back yard.  By that time I was going off too!                  



      My two miscreants!

I'LL... PAY... YOU!