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Tuesday, April 29, 2014

#244 WEBMASTER BRUTALLY KILLED!


Sunday, April 27, 2014 
an unknown webmaster was beaten to death
in front of 25 people at a local church!

STATEMENT OF THE PERPETRATOR:
"I arrived early to my Sunday school class to settle myself at the head of the center table in my Sunday school class.  To, me this is the best seat in the room because I an see and talk to almost everyone.  I put my purse on the floor, laid my folded up umbrella on the table; and started talking to friends as they arrived. Everyone filed in and soon we were ready to start. Suddenly, a quarter sized spider marched across the table toward me a bold as you please. Apparently, I wasn't feeling very merciful because before I could think, I picked up my umbrella and slammed it down on the table and dispatched the spider without a blink. Unfortunately, the other people in the room weren't prepared for the loud THWACK. This elicited a few shrieks, a lot of laughter, and several choice humorous comments. But, at least I can say that no one was bitten by a spider!"
"Why I reacted in such a decisive, violent manner is unbeknown to me.  When at home I usually pick them up with a cloth or Kleenex and throw them out the front door.  But, on this particular Sunday I guess I wasn't in a particularly benevolent mood.  To be honest I didn't have a tissue and the door was a long way down the hall, but I don't remember considering either of those options.  So, I am sickened with the memory of VIOLENTLY slamming down my umbrella pulverizing the creature."  

(POSSIBLE) STATEMENT OF THE VICTIM ( had it not been smashed beyond recognition):
"I was sleeping quietly in my usual place when suddenly my home rose up in the air and swiftly moved to the cold outdoors.  It was so cold that I had to hunker down in my nest and hang on for dear life.  It seemed as though I was traveling as fast as the wind.  Finally, my home stopped moving rapidly and began to move at a more lower rate, and into a warmer place.  I could sense that I had been moved to a place that was filled with those large noisy creatures that I usually avoid. This immediately put me on full alert.  I wanted to be back in the dark room in that quiet place where I have been since I was born.  But now, I could feel the tiny hairs on my back standing up.  When my home stopped moving and fell with a bump on a hard surface I crawled to the edge of my hideaway/home and peeked out.  Horrors upon horrors I saw a wide open, bright place with many large creatures making such a racket that the sound almost hurt.  I knew immediately that I must escape the din so I rushed from the opening onto a flat white surface toward a single benign looking critter.  In fact, this was the critter I saw dump my mother outside quite a while ago.  Feeling better about my predicament,  I took a deep breath and headed in it's direction.  I was sure that I made the right decision when It picked up an obstacle to clear my path.  That is the last I remember."

PERPRETATOR' STATEMENT OF REMORSE: 
"I actually feel a little bit guilty about ending the spider's life.  After all, it was just doing what spiders do; it was probably confused by it's new surroundings.  So, I said a little prayer for the spider and asked God to forgive me for my brief moment of violence against such a fine, beautiful creature as this little ole house spider.  Because you see, I believe that ALL life is precious and has a purpose. For some reason,  I had just unreasonably decided that the spider had no purpose in my church classroom.  I know now I should have put it out the door."
kt/2014