Sunday, November 7, 2010

#35-Easy As Pie, Or So I Thought!

I am standing at my stove eating lumpy pie filling (with my left hand) from batch #2 and stirring the potentially lumpy filling of batch# 3 with my right.  There are crumbs on the floor beneath my feet from pie crust #1 and I am starring off into space trying to figure out where it...........  
       A L L      W E N T      W R O N G !          

My mother was a wonderful cook, and both my grandmothers were GREAT cooks.  I even had aunts on both sides of my family who were excellent cooks, and my  daughter is a terrific cook.  But, not me!

My children were raised on Hamburger Helper (well, actually burned Hamburger Helper) and takeout.  I only knew how to cook meatloaf, spaghetti, baked pork chops,  make tuna sandwiches and warm canned chili (all with a slight, if not overwhelming, burned flavor, even the tuna????).   When I decided to bake a pie I shopped for all the ingredients ahead of time so things would go smoothly (or so I thought) and then tonight I notified friends and family on FaceBook:

                   PRAY FOR ME! I am really going to need it because
                   I'm baking a chocolate meringue pie for the harvest 
                  dinner at our church tomorrow!

With dinner over, dishes washed and counter cleaned I declared aloud, "Ok, 'ole' girl, time to bake a pie (or so I thought).  My first mistake soon surfaced.

I went to get the milk and eggs from the refrigerator (or so I thought).  Somehow,  I had failed to get eggs and milk.  How on earth can a person think (key word) they are going to bake a pie without eggs and milk (they were on my list)?  I had also gotten the wrong stuff to make the filling (not exactly batting a thousand here).  So, off to the store.  

(Mistake #2 coming up) I was on my way home from the store (or so I thought)  when I realized that I didn't have the eggs.  "Not my fault," says I.  "It was that danged lady that wanted to talk to me."  She stopped me at the milk section (just before the eggs) and when we finished I picked up the milk (my brain said. "Well done") and off I went (only to have to make a hasty return).

Finally, arriving home I found that at least the oven was ready and the pie crusts were at room temperature (notice I said crusts...mistake #3 coming up, but at least I was prepared for it).  I molded the crust into the aluminum pie tin and placed it in the oven, set the timer for 10 minutes and proceeded to start the filling (and that, my friends, would be mistake #4).  

As I was stirring the filling the timer went off.  I reached into the oven and removed the pie tin.  I was looking at a perfectly beautiful, golden brown pie crust and mentally starting to celebrate my success (or so I thought).  Unfortunately, I slightly tipped the pie tin and the beautiful, golden brown, pie shell slipped of the back side, crashed, and  burned (literally).  That is not all that ended up burning.  While I tried to quickly clean up the debris from the oven I noticed an odor that I KNOW WELL!   The filling was burning, "Woops there goes another rubber tree plant" pan.  

Pie shell #2 turned out fine but filling #2 didn't.  It had so many lumps in it looked like a bag full of Aggies at a marbles tournament.  On to batch #3 which I just completed and it only had lumps  the size of BBs (who will notice).  I am waiting for it to cool while I type this up.

Now, all I have to do the meringue.  Oh, bother!  Will this blog end here or will the Pie end here?  

I placed this comment on FB later that evening:  "Well, I guess someone didn't pray hard enough because this pie project just reached BLOG status.  To find out what happened you will have to go to my blog to find out."
12:45 AM:     WELL, the meringue looks like whipped cottage cheese and it is crunchy!  Oh, Mannnnn, I guess I leave it at home.  A long time ago I told my church family that I no longer cook (or bake for that matter) for people I love. 


PS:  3/31/11  This is really weird!   When typing on the 'new post' page all of the print is squished together, the lines are way too close together.  When I highlight the print blue lines appear.  No amount of editing produced the desired result.  I played around with this for about 15 minutes and then went to preview.   Everything looks fine?  C.R.A.P. (Computer Related Attacks by Poultergeists) are beginning to get on my nerves.  

And, since the pie it was sugar free I ended up giving it to Dad.  Besides, Dad will eat ANYTHING (if you don't believe me then see post #158).

kt 3/31/11