MY V.I.P. FILE

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Monday, June 20, 2011

#194-HOW AM I DOING? YOU TELL ME!

So many of my friends have asked me how I am doing.  I would like to say that thing have reached to point of peaceful coexistence, but things around here are anything but peaceful.

My granddaughter pulls her weight, maybe one day a week.  My great grandkids are like trying to cage a bunch of drunken monkeys.  Toby is a wild man who has learned to extort treats by stealing items and holding on to them ransom until I offer him a treat to give the item to me.  My father sleeps through just about everything (after all he is almost deaf) and when not sleeping laughs (or shakes his head) at all of the antics going on around him .

Here are some things I have said to my youngest great grandchildren (ages 4 and 5)...   (I will use numbers for the great grandchildren to protect the names of the... ahhhhh... .. ...INNOCENT?):

Number 3 son.
Number 4 son.











"#4, take the kitten out of your pants!"

"Yes, #4, I am taking a nap.  Now put my sleeping mask back down."

"#3,  do not hold the ferret by the tail.

To #3, "HE WHAT!  #4 WHY DID YOU PEE ON YOUR BROTHER?

"#3,  if you want to learn a great way to use duct tape, keep talking that way!"

(Thirty minutes after bedtime) "#3 and #4,  the one who is caught horsing around gets to sleep with grandma!"  (dead silence, quickly followed by sleep -  I have used this one frequently)

"#1 through #4, " if I hear the word 'fart' one more time I am going to make you all drink this yucky green stuff to make sure you can't make any!" (as I was holding up a large green bottle of malox)

To #4: "He kicked you in the package?  So, where exactly is this package?" (Picture a 4 year old concentrating and frowning as he considers his answer.) 

To #3: "So, who cares if #4 is staring at you!"

(fight between #3 and #4).  "Ok, guys.  You both got exactly the same toy from McDonalds.  How on earth can you be fighting over which one belongs to who?"

"Yuck, #4, do not kiss the ferret on the mouth....or the mice, or the kitten (oh, forgot to tell you, they now have a kitten), or Toby for that matter."

"#3 and #4, no you can not keep roly-poly bugs as pets. "

To #3 and #4:  "That's not my job.  Get your mother out of bed and make her do it!"



Here are a few sentences I have YELLED at my granddaughter:


(Just today) "LEEEEAAAANNAAAAAAAA!  Please be more careful.  The noodles you poured down the sink drain has stopped the whole thing up.  (She actually tried to convenience me  that she put them down the disposal; even though  I pulled a fist full of whole noodles out of the sink side and the entire drain is stopped up!)

"LEEEEAAAANNAAAAAAAA!  #4 son is taking apart my new vacuum sweeper!" (he's 4)

"LEEEEAAAANNAAAAAAAA!  Your ferret is pooping on the door threshold!"

"LEEEEAAAANNAAAAAAAA!  Where is the mouse that WAS in THAT cage?"

"LEEEEAAAANNAAAAAAAA!  Feed your children."

("SPLASH") "LEEEEAAAANNAAAAAAAA!  For the 10th time one of the boys did not put the toilet seat down!"

"LEEEEAAAANNAAAAAAAA!  The kids didn't turn off the water out back!  THERE IS A FOOT OF WATER UNDERNEATH THE HOUSE!"  (apparently it was on for a couple of days and took us two hours to pump it out)


"LEEEEAAAANNAAAAAAAA!  Your cheese, in the refrigerator, is growing hair!"


"LEEEEAAAANNAAAAAAAA!  Wash these damn darned dishes and clean up that room!"


"LEEEEAAAANNAAAAAAAA!  I just stepped in jello!" (Better than stepping in ferret poop!  How do you think I found out it had pooped on the threshold to their rooms?).


"LEEEEAAAANNAAAAAAAA!  Someone left the garage door up and Toby got out!"


"LEEEEAAAANNAAAAAAAA!  Someone left the gate open and Toby got out!"


"LEEEEAAAANNAAAAAAAA!  One of your kids is blowing soap bubbles in MY front room!"


(After seeing something rapidl shoot by the window) "LEEEEAAAANNAAAAAAAA! 
 #2 son is shoving #3 son down the handicap ramp, out front, 
in MY FATHER'S NEW WHEEL CHAIR!"

100% TRUE, and this is just the last ten days!


kt 6/14/11