MY V.I.P. FILE

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Saturday, August 11, 2012

#241 THAT'S ALL FOLKS

Try as I might, I don't seem to be able to come up with any more original stories.  I have 16 ideas (with notes) in my draft file but I just can't commit to any of them.   Most of the stories that have published since the death of my father in October of last year, were written beforehand and waiting out their turn in my scheduled file.  Each time I go in to my draft file I find I actually don't want to write.  I guess when someone has been a part of your life for 70 years it changes your life when they leave.  It has been about 10 months now.  Shouldn't I be back to normal by now?

It pains me to come to the conclusion that the very activity that got me through a few tough years being sequestered in my home caring for my father, is now over.  I keep telling myself that it is just an aberration and soon I will be able to write again.  Well, I can still write, but the humor does not come any more.  If I can't laugh as I write, then all of the fun has been drained away from the act of writing, which was why I wrote.

I think one of the worst parts is that I no longer want to read other blogs.  I carefully chose blogs that made me laugh or at least break into a big smile.  This is an important part about being a blogger.  It builds the friendship that feeds the blogger.  But, I don't even want to do that anymore.  In fact, I don't want to do much of anything.

Self analyzing is probably a fool's mission, however, I believe that my problem lies in the fact that I have always  been a caretaker.  Always made my life be about some one else (husband, children, students, aunts, mother, father).  I don't think that was a conscious choice, but something I was more than willing to do.

Perhaps, I have lost my identity and need to re-invent myself.  But, at 71, I don't really know how to do that.  And, it's not just this blog.  I can't really see to relate to the world outside these doors.  I have forced myself into several activities, but the key word , of course is F O R C E D (and one last time:  Yes, I'm shouting).  

Until I figure this out I am (again) forced to quit blogging.  I say forced because my last scheduled blog posted last Monday and I can't seem to come up with anything for this coming Monday.  So, good bye for now, dear friends.  I love you all.

GO AHEAD, PLAY IT AS IT SEEMS AN APT ENDING.  kt 8/11/12
(just wanted you to know I took a deep breath and paused before actually hitting "Publish.")