MY V.I.P. FILE

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Thursday, May 29, 2014

#248 THE OLYMPIC CONTENER





#248  THE OLYMPIC CONTENDER


This winter was a long, cold, icy one in southern Missouri.  One Saturday morning I looked out and saw this.  I turned round and went back inside to change my shoes to something with a little more grab on the soles.








You really can't see that this was a solid sheet
of ice clear all the way across and all the way down.

Well, they might have worked had I not been facing an ice ramp. 

I cautiously stepped out onto the porch and negotiated the first part of the challenge with only a few boggles.  However, the down slope was another matter.  I was over confident and stepped bravely out onto the Matterhorn like ride.  My right foot immediately took off without me (or my left foot) and soon was 12 inches up in the air with my rear end heading for sudden contact with the icy slide.  Trust me, this was not near as much fun as the flume that my granddaughter and I rode on last summer.  Or the Matterhorn I rode at Disneyland.  This thing was cold, and it was hard.  There were some similarities.  I went very fast and my rear-end was sopping wet when I reached the departure point and ended the ride.  However, there was not one single smiling person to help me off (or up, that is).

It was necessary to get back into the house to change clothes before the church bus picked me up lest I cause a lot of speculation as to why I had wet drawers (at my age I know some of the assumptions that would be made).  I considered my options, either go back up the slide to the landing or breach the barrier that was built to keep me from falling off the porch (again....another story).   Basically I had no options as I was NOT going to approach the toboggan run again. The only thing left to do was to climb over the railing of the porch (top pic, left side) so I could safely reenter the house.  However, the porch floor is a 22 inches off the ground and the railing is another 29 inches up from that.  Now, I pride myself on being in good shape for a 73 year old.  However, I was already smarting from the bounce and slide down the causeway.  Slowly I made it up onto the floor and was swinging my leg over the railing when my wet drawers ripped.  About the same time my neighbor came out her side door and yelled, "What on earth are you doing?"  Red faced I reply, "Just stretching my legs." as I disappeared over the rail and into my house.

I returned to the mountain dressed in dry clothes. I composed myself and struck an Olympian pose as stood at the peak of my second attempt of the day.  As I was rallying the imaginary crowd watching my Olympic debut, the bus pulled up.  I turned to face the rail, gingerly stepped on to the "ice flume" bent over the railing,  placed my forearms on that railing and zipped down the ramp sideways.   The bus driver and riders were cracking up when I stepped onto the bus.  "What?" I said, "Haven't you ever seen an Olympic event?" and sat down.

kt 5/29/14



Monday, May 19, 2014

#247 IT COULD ONLY HAPPEN TO ME!




A week or so ago, I probably had one of my weirdest days ever.  It all started the night before when I forgot to set my alarm.

I had a lot of things to do, and when I finally woke up at 9:30 I panicked ...... I had a doctor's appointment at 10!  I had already cancelled and rescheduled once, so I simply had to make it on time.  I rushed out the door in a dead run still pulling on clothes........only to realize that my car was still in the garage.  I returned to the house, chased my dog Oscar into the main part of the house so I could get into the garage without accidentally letting him out.

However, I hadn't shut the back room door tightly; he came bounding out and sprinted for freedom.  Toby (my other dog) was right behind him and the two took off in different directions. That kind of set the tone for the rest of the day.  Refusing to be ruffled I went about chasing the dogs (without shoes).
Twenty minutes later I had finally corralled Toby in the house, but I couldn't find Oscar.  I left the garage door up far enough for Oscar to come back in in case he came home.   I ran through the house (while skuffing my shoes on), flew out the front door, jumped in the car, and froze.  MY KEYS WERE NOT IN MY POCKET.  I diligently searched my purse, the inside of the car and around the front door.  Nope, they were in the house.  Unfortunately, so was the garage door opener.  Now, I want you to be impressed at this point that I did not blow my stack but kept on task.

Sorry, Lord, sometimes
my mouth speaks before
my brain engages.
I ran around to the back door of the garage only to find that the door was locked.  I went back to the car to call the doctor only to find that my cell phone was gone, too.  At this point did the only thing I could do was to lay down on the cement driveway, suck in my gut, butt and boobs (now that was hard) and squeeze under the garage door.  I then charged through the door to the back room and as I opened the door to the kitchen Toby met me and scampered out to freedom AGAIN.  I slammed that door and tore through the house locating my keys, cell phone and garage door opener.  Scooping them up I ran out the door and convinced Toby that he was going for a ride.  As soon as he jumped into the car I grabbed him and wrestled him up to the front door.  Slamming the door (a little too hard) I spun around on the porch and tripped over Oscar.... who took off again.  If I had had a gun I would have shot him right then.   He took off so fast that he was out of sight by the time I apologized to God for my language.

I, dusted myself off, said "Oh, Well," and drove to the doctor's office which was only 10 minutes away.
No one was upset when I arrived 15 minutes late, so all was OK (except for the fact Oscar was probably peeing on every tree in a 1 mile radius).

I called the animal control officer and informed her about Oscar's excape.  She knows me and Oscar's proclivity for running; she promised me she would keep an eye out for him.  When I finally got home Oscar had been gone for over 2 hours.  No calls, no sightings....nothing.  Actually, I was praying that someone would call and say, "Hey, I found your dog, can I keep him?"  Finally, about a half hour before I had to meet the church bus for Wednesday night bible study a kid called.  Hey, Old Lady SWAG, I think I have your dog."


                SIDEBAR: A lot of kids in town call me that and it is a long 
 story which I may tell you some time, but not now.  

I got the boy's location and took off to pick up my wayward dog.  15 minutes and $5.00 (yes, I'm cheep but, I did think of giving him a $50 to keep Oscar).   I sped home,  shoved Oscar in his back room and took off to meet the church bus in front of the t the local drug store.

By the time I got to church I was so tired that I think I dozed through some of the lesson.  Finally,
I got the kids back onto the bus and headed out to drop them off.  Everything appeared to be going OK, that is until I found out that I did not have my purse I HAD LEFT IT AT CHURCH!  OK, after dropping off the kids the bus driver headed back to the church.  I found my purse where I had left it and hitched a ride back to town with a friend.


I am sure that this is what
I must have looked like!
Now, here comes the key phrase: She took me directly home and I collapsed in my recliner until about 10pm.  I sat there for a while to unwind.  Except for the time in the doctor's waiting room, I hadn't stopped running all day.  We were supposed to get a storm that night so I had to put the dogs back in the main part of the house while I went through the den to the garage to pull in my car.  I pushed the button and the door slowly went up.  I stood there in my garage starring at an completely empty driveway.  I exclaimed out loud to myself, "Someone has stolen my car!"

Ever so slowly, my brain processed what my eyes could not believe.  Then like someone plugged me into an electric socket, I was jolted into the realization that my car was still parked where I USUALLY PARK IT.............over 3 miles away!

I am sure he was smiling!


I ran in the house, grabbed my purse and took off for my neighbor's house. Now are you ready for this....as I was standing at her front door I felt a dog's nose on my leg.  There stood Oscar!  When I turned around he bolted and the fun began AGAIN.





Apparently the garage door snagged on something and did not go all the way down and the dogs were out again.  I ran to the house yelling Toby...cookie....cookie.....cookie, and he ran after me and into the house.  Oscar was another matter. I said," I've had it with him," and took off with my neighbor  to get my car.  When we returned we heard her dogs were going off in her back yard.  By that time I was going off too!                  


                                     

TOBY
OSCAR



      My two miscreants!







OK, DOES ANYONE WANT A DOG?  
YOU CAN HAVE BOTH OR CHOICE.
I'LL... PAY... YOU!
kt5/17/14








Tuesday, May 6, 2014

#246 WHAT COULD I SAY?



A few years back I took 2 of my grandchildren to Oceans of Fun and Worlds of Fun (an exhausting double header).   On the Worlds of Fun side there were all kinds of unbelievable rides.  One was a donut shaped object onto which people were attached.  This human cargo contraption was fitted with a hugh spire that ran through the donut hole.  The human cargo was hauled up to the top of the spire (which was so high it hurt my neck to look to the top) and then released.  Kallie (about 13 then) and GW (about 7 then) stood in line.  Kallie excitedly waited her turn on the death defying ride while GW waited, quietly.  They both watched  the spectacle as others dropped toward the ground like a lead brick .  Before they reached the point of no return GW turned around and sat with me on a small wall away from the line.  I enquired, "Honey, aren't you going with your sister? "He gave me an incredulous look and said, "Look at that thing!  Do I look stupid to you?" 
The newer model being ridden at the park today.

Monday, May 5, 2014

#245 DID YOU SEE THAT CRAZY OLD LADY?

I finally got some of the bulbs planted that I was supposed to put in ages ago.  If they don't flower this year I will always have them next year.  However, HERE IS WHAT I WANT YOU TO PICTURE:

Weather in the upper 80s.



This 73 year old pudgy lady with white hair, busy in her front yard finishing up planting bulbs around her tree and sweating my ### off.






I love digging in the dirt!



Add to that muddy white baggy shorts and a muddy red sleeveless shirt (with my fatty dorsal biceps flapping in the wind).





Now picture one of those sprinkler that go chk...chk...chk...chk back and forth (come on, say it, this story cries out for sound effects).  And, see in your minds eye the finale which is me setting up this type of sprinkler.




  
This was the best clip art I could find.
Kinda resembles me.
Next, incorporate into this picture this sweaty, mud clad, chunky senior citizen trying to jump over the spray as it comes swacking around (you see it was going all the way around not back and forth).  Try a I might, I could not manage to accomplish (1) stopping the thing from circling around or (2) jumping over the spray as it came my way.







When I started drawing a crowd I decided to put another type of sprinkler head on the hose and slip (literally) into my house.



The man next door.
The kid across the street.

Even my dogs were laughing!
kt5/5/14