Sunday, November 7, 2010

#35-Easy As Pie, Or So I Thought!

I am standing at my stove eating lumpy pie filling (with my left hand) from batch #2 and stirring the potentially lumpy filling of batch# 3 with my right.  There are crumbs on the floor beneath my feet from pie crust #1 and I am starring off into space trying to figure out where it...........  
       A L L      W E N T      W R O N G !          

My mother was a wonderful cook, and both my grandmothers were GREAT cooks.  I even had aunts on both sides of my family who were excellent cooks, and my  daughter is a terrific cook.  But, not me!

My children were raised on Hamburger Helper (well, actually burned Hamburger Helper) and takeout.  I only knew how to cook meatloaf, spaghetti, baked pork chops,  make tuna sandwiches and warm canned chili (all with a slight, if not overwhelming, burned flavor, even the tuna????).   When I decided to bake a pie I shopped for all the ingredients ahead of time so things would go smoothly (or so I thought) and then tonight I notified friends and family on FaceBook:

                   PRAY FOR ME! I am really going to need it because
                   I'm baking a chocolate meringue pie for the harvest 
                  dinner at our church tomorrow!

With dinner over, dishes washed and counter cleaned I declared aloud, "Ok, 'ole' girl, time to bake a pie (or so I thought).  My first mistake soon surfaced.

I went to get the milk and eggs from the refrigerator (or so I thought).  Somehow,  I had failed to get eggs and milk.  How on earth can a person think (key word) they are going to bake a pie without eggs and milk (they were on my list)?  I had also gotten the wrong stuff to make the filling (not exactly batting a thousand here).  So, off to the store.  

(Mistake #2 coming up) I was on my way home from the store (or so I thought)  when I realized that I didn't have the eggs.  "Not my fault," says I.  "It was that danged lady that wanted to talk to me."  She stopped me at the milk section (just before the eggs) and when we finished I picked up the milk (my brain said. "Well done") and off I went (only to have to make a hasty return).

Finally, arriving home I found that at least the oven was ready and the pie crusts were at room temperature (notice I said crusts...mistake #3 coming up, but at least I was prepared for it).  I molded the crust into the aluminum pie tin and placed it in the oven, set the timer for 10 minutes and proceeded to start the filling (and that, my friends, would be mistake #4).  

As I was stirring the filling the timer went off.  I reached into the oven and removed the pie tin.  I was looking at a perfectly beautiful, golden brown pie crust and mentally starting to celebrate my success (or so I thought).  Unfortunately, I slightly tipped the pie tin and the beautiful, golden brown, pie shell slipped of the back side, crashed, and  burned (literally).  That is not all that ended up burning.  While I tried to quickly clean up the debris from the oven I noticed an odor that I KNOW WELL!   The filling was burning, "Woops there goes another rubber tree plant" pan.  

Pie shell #2 turned out fine but filling #2 didn't.  It had so many lumps in it looked like a bag full of Aggies at a marbles tournament.  On to batch #3 which I just completed and it only had lumps  the size of BBs (who will notice).  I am waiting for it to cool while I type this up.

Now, all I have to do the meringue.  Oh, bother!  Will this blog end here or will the Pie end here?  

I placed this comment on FB later that evening:  "Well, I guess someone didn't pray hard enough because this pie project just reached BLOG status.  To find out what happened you will have to go to my blog to find out."
12:45 AM:     WELL, the meringue looks like whipped cottage cheese and it is crunchy!  Oh, Mannnnn, I guess I leave it at home.  A long time ago I told my church family that I no longer cook (or bake for that matter) for people I love. 


PS:  3/31/11  This is really weird!   When typing on the 'new post' page all of the print is squished together, the lines are way too close together.  When I highlight the print blue lines appear.  No amount of editing produced the desired result.  I played around with this for about 15 minutes and then went to preview.   Everything looks fine?  C.R.A.P. (Computer Related Attacks by Poultergeists) are beginning to get on my nerves.  

And, since the pie it was sugar free I ended up giving it to Dad.  Besides, Dad will eat ANYTHING (if you don't believe me then see post #158).

kt 3/31/11


  1. this was so funny to read! You are hilarious. I won't feel so bad next time I have a cooking mishap. One time I did make a macaroon recipe which called for them to sit in the oven after they baked, just to cool in there. Of course I forgot and next time I went to the kitchen I preheated it for something else, and burned the macaroons that were resting in there.

  2. What a great story. I wonder if you've had better luck since, or if that was it for you and pie baking. I think you were awfully brave to have tried it in the first place - pies are not easy, even with experience (at least my experience).

  3. Hahaha! This is hysterical! What got me right off the bat, as a somewhat competent cook and baker, is that you chose to bake a somewhat difficult pie, especially for your first time. I never bother to make homemade pies, the risk/reward ratio is just to off, in my opinion. In the future, let Mrs. Smith bake the pies and you just keep blogging. She really knows what she is doing and it is far less messy!

  4. So funny, I'm clueless in the kitchen, and it manages to look like your photo most of the time. My mother is a great cook, but not me - maybe in my next incarnation :-)

  5. Pie making and blogging are not alike. You are so very funny!

  6. Wanted to let you know KT that I nominated you for an award

  7. Karen, I really do try not to swear...but I'm breaking my rule here! Those bloody computer poltergeists STOLE this post off my reading list, again. I see this was posted YESTERDAY (Friday) is still has not appeared, but when I came over here now-now to leave you a comment, in return for the one you left on my blog, this is what popped up on my screen!

    Thank goodness, else I just might have missed it altogether! As usual, you have me choking on my coffee. I need to learn that it's best not to sip coffee when reading anything you've written! You life is truly like an starts with one snowball and before you know it, there's a massive snow monster chasing your tail! I just cannot fathom how you do it! But that's why I LOVE you! :)

    Now, to answer your queries: I was not permitted to photograph the helicopter pilot. We did that flight 2 years ago and, at the time my daughter was sans boyfriend. She thought this pilot was just 'so,so,so hot' and didn't want me to embarrass her by asking for his, there you have it. That's why I could only surreptitiously capture that arm ;)

    Yes, you did see a castle. It's nestled in the hills at Hout Bay and provided a great talking point at the time it was built several years ago.

    Hope you're having a great weekend. Pats, strokes and hugs for Toby and Kit! Sorry I couldn't cast my single vote in his favour. I really was torn up about it!


    Des xoxo

  8. Just noticed you've been nominated for another award! I second & third that!!! YAY, for Karen!!!

  9. your blog made me laugh :) thanks for that this morning!

  10. Hi, I just stumbled in here by accident and am glad I did. I loved reading this, you have a great perspective :) I look forward to reading more.

  11. Upon second reading, I think you should have taken it to church anyway. Karen's famous sugar free pie with crunchy topping!
    Yum! (ps the post looks just fine)