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Monday, June 27, 2011

#196 - MY VERY OWN MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.

I used to own one of those small Ford Escorts and it served my purpose well, even when I broke my leg.

This will be useful when you need to visualize the story at the end of this post.
The idiot doctor put me in a full plaster cast from just below my hip to the tip of my toe.  I did have a spiral fracture of the tibia but to cast the whole leg was old fashioned and cumbersome.  Bare in mind that at that time I was an empty nester and living alone with a wild and crazy cat named Mad Max, a giant German Shepherd named Luke and a blind poodle I was baby sitting for my aunt.

Getting around in this cast on my own was nearly impossible.  They did order me a wheelchair (and crutches) but, it wouldn't go through the bedroom or bathroom door.  Speaking of the bathroom, now that was a real challenge.  The toilet sat up against the wall at the end of a long narrow bathroom.  When seated the wall was on the right.  Yes, you guessed it, my right leg was the one being held hostage in this humungous white mountain of plaster.  Well, there wasn't much room on the right and to make things worse there wasn't much room straight ahead (the tub was there).

I made several attempts at .....poddying  awh heck, just say it.....peeing!  The first time I tried to sit sideways, missed the commode completely and bruised both my ego and my tail bone.  The second time I tried to prop my leg on the tub and sit down.  With nothing to hold on to I slipped and took another butt dive only not as hard (but the thumpapdy, thump, thump of the toilet lid on my backbone wasn't fun).  By this time the situation was getting desperate.  I was so afraid that I was going to pee down the cast (YUCK!) On the third attempt I raised the toilet lid, straddled the darned thing and let her rip.  That was successful except for a slight soiling of the area around the throne.  Vowing to improve the maneuver I later devised a make shift .....ah.....penis out of a toilet roll tube (Yes, you read it right).  It worked but had to be replaced frequently.  TMI???????  Well, in that case I won't share how I managed to go #2.

Another problem cropped up immediately.  I had been guiding my aunt's blind dog down two steps into the garage and out the back door to the yard so he could do his business.  This proved to be another challenge. I struggled out the first time and propped the door open for future trips.  Then I called him from the top of the steps and he managed to find his way back in.  However, when he tried to go down the steps by himself he did a nose dive and tumble onto the cement floor.  He did manage to stagger around and finally find the door but I felt bad about his nose plant.  So, I had to lay on my stomach, on the floor, in the laundry room, scoot down the stairs and guide his butt down those stairs, so he wouldn't fall.  After a few false starts he eventually found his way out the door.

(BUT THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IS YET TO COME!)

Luckily, I had plenty of food (dog, cat, and mine) to last several days, but the next problem came up when I had to go for my one week checkup.  I had a perfectly good car and I wasn't about to pay for a cab.   I hobbled out the front door and up to the drivers side of the FORD ESCORT (with bucket seats and a console).  I parked myself in a chair on the front porch and mentally made a plan to allow me to be able to drive.

I wish I had a picture but I will try to explain how I accomplished the seemingly impossible.
First, I had to insert my heavy right stump like leg into the car, over the console, and out the passenger side window.  This in itself was a tremendous physical feat since I hadn't done the splits in at least 30 years.  Then I had to load the rest of me into the seat and start the car.  The position I found myself in was uncomfortable but workable as soon as I figured out how to move the gear under my leg of cement.

I did both break and gas with my left foot and made sure I was traveling very slow.  This, however, is what drew the attention of the police officer (not the danged white cast hanging out the window).  I pulled over like the law abiding citizen I am and smiled up into the face of an officer I had come upon once before.  Quietly, he stood there and looked around taking in the ridiculous scene before him.  Having dealt with me once before (a very memorable moment for him, I'm sure.....see #111-AN OFFICER and A GENTLEMAN 1/26/11) he got a twinkle in his eyes and smiled.  "Well, (pause, pause, pause) Ms. Taylor, (another pause) I see you have devised a ingenious way to break the law."  I, with my own dazzling smile replied, "Oh, thank God you stopped me.  I have to get to the doctor and I was afraid to drive this way!"  He paused a minute and responded, "You do know what cabs are for, don't you?"  To which I said, "Yes, but I'm flat busted and couldn't afford one."  Not only did I NOT get a ticket, but he escorted me to the doctor's, helped me out of the car and up to the office.  He was even nice enough to tell me he was about to go off duty and cautioned me not to try to drive home.  Of, course I drove home.  He wouldn't be around to catch me and I tied a paper sack on my foot and drove faster so as not to draw any attention.   100% TRUE       kt6//2011

9 comments:

  1. OMG That is too funny. I broke my leg and had two spiral breaks. And yes I had a hip to toe cast too. Peeing was absolutely impossible. When I sat, with foot extended because cast don't bend) my aim was not down but out! I never tried the 'penis invention' but that would have been a good one. The day I was told I could return to work was another disaster. I drive over a bridge to go to work. Well, I ran out of gas on the bridge!!! I couldn't hobble to a gas station so I sat in the car and cried. Luckily my hubby crosses over the same bridge and he was about 5 to 10 minutes behind me. He rescued me!!!

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  2. What a saga you endured. I just had to laugh. Sorry. Glad you made it through to the other side. Next time, make sure to have someone buy you a "You go Girl!". It'll make your life so much easier.

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  3. I'm cracking up. Who does a complete cast? Oh now, anything but peeing down your cast. They make plastic penis thingies now (I think it's called a go girl). Ingenious...quick thinking with the cop. That is just too rich.

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  4. I can't stop laughing long enough to write a proper comment. Thanks for NOT sharing how you managed #2. I bet the officer shared his stories about you with everyone he knows & is waiting for another episode so he can write a book!

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  5. Now, that cracked me up! How very ingenious of you. I have to go and read #111 now!

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  6. This is the best laugh I've had in years! I'm wiping the tears from my eyes. You're one crazy lady...love it!

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  7. You are always surprising me with these stories.
    I hope you weren't in that cast too long. It sounds horrible and you didn't deserve such torture!
    Sending you calm thoughts from over here in the peaceful desert.
    Love,
    Eve:)

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  8. OMG!!! Only you! My daughter had the same fracture when she was 2 and the same kind of cast, but I just carried her everywhere (truly difficult to pull off as I spent the whole six weeks flogging myself for 'letting' her get hurt). The part about you and the blind dog...I have no words. Well, maybe I do, I think if I ever write my Great American Novel, that scene will be in there, fair warning and don't sue me. Haha...you and a blind dog...and stairs...*snort laugh*!!

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  9. Your posts are so awesome. I added your button to my blog :0)

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