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Saturday, August 11, 2012

#241 THAT'S ALL FOLKS

Try as I might, I don't seem to be able to come up with any more original stories.  I have 16 ideas (with notes) in my draft file but I just can't commit to any of them.   Most of the stories that have published since the death of my father in October of last year, were written beforehand and waiting out their turn in my scheduled file.  Each time I go in to my draft file I find I actually don't want to write.  I guess when someone has been a part of your life for 70 years it changes your life when they leave.  It has been about 10 months now.  Shouldn't I be back to normal by now?

It pains me to come to the conclusion that the very activity that got me through a few tough years being sequestered in my home caring for my father, is now over.  I keep telling myself that it is just an aberration and soon I will be able to write again.  Well, I can still write, but the humor does not come any more.  If I can't laugh as I write, then all of the fun has been drained away from the act of writing, which was why I wrote.

I think one of the worst parts is that I no longer want to read other blogs.  I carefully chose blogs that made me laugh or at least break into a big smile.  This is an important part about being a blogger.  It builds the friendship that feeds the blogger.  But, I don't even want to do that anymore.  In fact, I don't want to do much of anything.

Self analyzing is probably a fool's mission, however, I believe that my problem lies in the fact that I have always  been a caretaker.  Always made my life be about some one else (husband, children, students, aunts, mother, father).  I don't think that was a conscious choice, but something I was more than willing to do.

Perhaps, I have lost my identity and need to re-invent myself.  But, at 71, I don't really know how to do that.  And, it's not just this blog.  I can't really see to relate to the world outside these doors.  I have forced myself into several activities, but the key word , of course is F O R C E D (and one last time:  Yes, I'm shouting).  

Until I figure this out I am (again) forced to quit blogging.  I say forced because my last scheduled blog posted last Monday and I can't seem to come up with anything for this coming Monday.  So, good bye for now, dear friends.  I love you all.

GO AHEAD, PLAY IT AS IT SEEMS AN APT ENDING.  kt 8/11/12
(just wanted you to know I took a deep breath and paused before actually hitting "Publish.")


20 comments:

  1. Do whatever you have to do, my friend--just know a lot of people love you & will miss you!!

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  2. Depression is a heav burden. Hang in here, reinvent, or whatever you need to do. Start exploring some things that you've always wanted to do. Now is the time to try something new - like ride a segway, parasail, take Tody to an agility class.... think outside the box.

    I love you and think of you often.

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  3. Hey KT - U wanna come East n visit - I think you need a real break kiddo and need to create some new memories. Remember, you are only 71 - that is young still and I also feel the loss of your Dad and the depression that followed is still within you. The ideas cannot come, for the burden of caring and loss is still to great within your heart. Close your page for now, take a true break and maybe we will see you once again, when you have allowed healing inside. If you want to come East, we would love to have you visit and trust me, you would fall in love with the maritimes. Take it easy girl, I will miss you for sure, but I will keep you in my friends section, in case you re-invent yourself. I will miss your stories and would love to hear you laugh again, for laughter is a great part of healing as well. Come play in r Bay :) Till later, Lilly

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  4. I wish I could always be humorous but alas, it's one of those things that comes and goes like a hot flash. I think it'll come back but maybe you want to play golf or crochet for awhile. Talk about sequestered--I live in the desert and my choices are slim--that's one of the reasons I'm so happy to meet someone as special as you are.

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  5. I will miss you and your great stories! But I wish you all the best and I hope you'll have loads of fun. take care of yourself :)

    love you. :)

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  6. In some ways, I can relate. I have a brother with a severe mental illness that drains the life of me and my family. And it's tough to stay active on my own blog. Some days I wish for the days when I never had one at all. But other days, I'm glad for the outlet where I can be the writer I know myself to be. And express myself.

    I hope you don't leave for good. I hope you come back with a fresh perspective.

    Until then, we will wait for you, even ifthis post really is your last.

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  7. Hi KT! Just wanted to stop by and say hi! Hope all is going well for you. Miss you!

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  8. Hi KT, miss you and wanted to wish you a happy holidays. Hope you still get these messages!

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